By Anne, North Carolina U.S.It was one month ago today that we lost our babies.
PROM at 17 weeks + 3 days. Delivery at 19 weeks + 4 days.
Story added: 2009-08-05
In early July, I was 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant with our twins when I noticed a slightly watery discharge. I worried at first but after doing an Internet search, I decided it was probably normal. If it didn't go away in a day then I would call the doctor. It was my first pregnancy so I was pretty nervous about everything but it had been moving along perfectly -- no bleeding, no signs of any problems.
The next morning at 6 am my water broke. It was a gush of water that left a huge wet spot in the bed. We went to the hospital and they determined that my water had broken with baby B, which at the time we didn’t know was a girl. We knew that baby A was a boy. Both baby’s hearts were still beating just fine and there were no signs of infection. Even so, the doctors did not give us much hope for either baby but told us we could go home and wait it out. They didn’t really encourage us either way but told us many parents decide to induce labor because most people (doctors included) see it as a hopeless situation. It made no sense to me that they couldn’t at least save our baby boy. He had water!! They told me that as long as I didn’t develop a fever or show signs of infection we could continue to wait. They prescribed an antibiotic but were very clear that there was nothing they could do for the babies unless I made it to 24 weeks. According to them, I would probably go into labor within 48 hours or within two weeks.
I stayed in bed for 2 weeks, only getting up for doctor’s appointments, the bathroom, and a shower every other day. I drank as much water, cranberry juice, and ate as much yogurt as I could. I prayed non-stop that my babies would live. The first few days I barely moved, I was so afraid of going into labor. I continued to leak amniotic fluid daily. At the 19 week ultrasound, both babies were doing great. Everything looked perfect except the amount of water that was around our little girl – they never said how much it was, they would just say, “There is just a little bit of water around baby B.”
I went to bed one night (19 weeks and 3 days) and felt a little off. I went to the bathroom in the night and felt something hard. I immediately woke my husband up and we went back to the hospital. The doctors took one quick look and told me that the hardness I felt was my daughter’s foot. Even though she was baby B, the non- presenting twin as they called her, she had slipped past her brother. For a few seconds, I was hopeful that our son would be OK. The doctor told me that because our daughter was coming out feet first and because my water had broken 2 weeks ago, there was really no chance for either baby. There was sure to be infection. It was better to deliver our baby girl and then induce labor if our baby boy didn’t come naturally.
Over the course of the next 10 hours, I delivered both babies. They had warned us that our daughter could be in bad shape because she hadn’t had any water around her for two weeks and she’d been stuck for hours. At the time, I was in shock and I was heavily medicated. I shut my eyes and asked my husband if I should look at her. I was so afraid. He told me that I shouldn’t and I never held our little girl. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t regret it. Hours later our baby boy came into the world. His water broke as he was being delivered and his heart beat for just over 20 minutes. We held him and named him Graham. Because our daughter’s heart wasn't beating when she was delivered, we didn’t get to officially name her but her name is Ava. After they were delivered, the doctors and nurses asked us all sorts of questions. I don’t even remember half of them.
During the two weeks of uncertainty, when I didn’t know if I would go into labor or not, I tried to talk to people about what we would do if the worst happened – would we hold the babies if they were born at 17, 18, 19, etc. weeks, would we name them, would we have them cremated or buried, would we have some type of service for them. No one would have the conversation with me. Everyone kept saying, “You need to have hope if you want them to hang on.” I feel like I went into that situation totally unprepared and I have regrets that haunt me every single day. I should have held her. I should have said a prayer for them.
Two weeks after the babies were born, we went back to the doctor for a follow-up appointment. They told us that there was no explanation for what had happened. There was infection present in both baby’s placentas but it was ascending infection, meaning that it probably started after my water broke. There was no other indication of why it happened. The doctor said it was like getting struck by lightening.
It's been a month and I’m a complete wreck. I went to a Share support group last night with my husband. I didn’t want to go but it did actually help me. We met a couple that had experienced almost the same exact thing as us, losing their babies the same day as us – they lost their twins at 22 weeks as a result of pProm at 19 weeks. So, we had been struck by lightening and imagine our surprise when we found ourselves sitting next to another couple that had also been struck by lightening – the same day. They said their doctors used the same 'lightening' phrase.
I know I will never find peace around what has happened. Maybe one day I will begin to accept that it’s happened and it’s part of my life, but I will never understand it. There are too many unanswered questions.