By Candiss, Michigan USA
PROM at 15 weeks + 6 days. Delivery at 16 weeks + 3 days.
Story added: 2008-09-18

The baby was 15 weeks 6 days on sept 3rd when this all started. I had a very normal pregnancy up until this point. No bleeding no problems whatsoever. It was so unexpected. 3:00am I woke up with some non descript stomach pain, just felt like I needed to go to the bathroom, I peed and then was trying to go #2 when I felt a pop, felt like a baloon popping and I felt a warm rush of liquid, I knew my water broke. I was rushed to the emergency room where it was confirmed that it was indeed amniotic fluid. I was crying hysterically from the time it happened until I was laying dow in the ER. Saying please let my baby be ok, please. I was put laying down with my feet in the air and my head reclined downward. I had an ultrasound. The baby looked ok and had a very strong heart beat but there was barely any fluid left. I had an IV started with fluids and had to have a catheder put in because my bladder did want to drain properly. I was put on strict bed rest for 3 days in the hospital. we were told the chance of the baby living were not good. but if the fluid replenishes and the hole in the bag of waters closes up, if I don't get an infection and if the babies heart keeps beating then we may have a chance. we were also told that if the amniotic fluid does not build back up around the baby and it still makes it long enough to be delivered and live it will most likley have breathing problems and physical disabilities. This is because without the fluid there is no room for the babies developing lungs and ribs to practice breathing motions, and because the joints and muscles will not be able to move without the fluid and will not develop properly. I was so hopefull and trying really hard to help this baby hang on, I hadn't met our baby yet but I already loved him sooo much and the thought of loosing him was really hard!I was then discharged from the hospital to lay around my house and hope for the best. On the 6th I was readmitted to the hospital with severe abdominal pain, an ultrasound was done which found out the cause of the pain was not related to the baby, of all things to happen now it was gallbladder stones which I didn't even know I had, flaring up. I spent the night in the hospital AGAIN and was discharged later the next morning. So after a quiet day at home on the 7th recovering from my gallbladder pain, around 7:30pm I went to the bathroom and felt some wierd pressure, I reached up to feel and felt something in my vagina, it was the baby's foot. I just kept saying no, I want my baby to live, please no. My mom called an ambulance and I was again rushed to the hospital. My mom called my husband to meet us there because he was at work. When we got there I was examined by the midwife and we were told that the baby was coming tonight. Jeremy and I cried like we never had before because we knew our baby was not old enough to live. I was told that I would have to push my baby out, even if he still had a heartbeat because he could not live halfway out of my uterus. I was only dialated 2 cm so the midwife had to put her hand in and push open my cervix so that his head could come out. about an hour later our little boy was brought into the world. He never took a breath but he was so loved by us and all of our family. After he came out the nurses handed him to me wrapped in a blanket. My husband was standing next to me and we were both crying. He was a big boy measuring 8 inches from head to feet. He was perfect in everyway, ten fingers and ten toes, beautiful little face, just too young for this harsh environment. We got to hold him for about two hours that night. We named him Gabriel Michael Chase. The next morning we spent a little bit more time holding our baby for the last time before we said goodbye and headed home to start the long journey of physical and emotional healing. Right now Jeremy and I are really sad, we are now parents to our little Gabriel and I know we will see him again one day in heaven but right now it seems like such a long time to wait.

Here is a poem I wrote 1 week after gabriel was born.

For my first born Son, Gabriel Michael Chase Steinke

I was pregnant

You were the life growing inside my tummy

Even though you were unexpected you were one of the best things to ever happen to me

You were something I have always wanted

Joy filled my heart at the thought of you

and yet we will not be together anymore on this earth

You were supposed to come into the world with baby fat and a tuft of baby hair on your head, crying to be held and fed

Your birthday was supposed to be a day of joy, but for us only sadness and loss on the day you were born and the day you fell asleep for the first and last time on this earth

Giving birth to you and knowing that you were going to die when you entered the world was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

The pain my body felt did not compare to the pain of my breaking heart

Every push was agony knowing that I was bringing you closer to your death

I held your little body as the warmth left you and a part of my heart died

You were so small, so helpless, so absolutely beautiful

When I looked into your small face I was amazed because I saw what could have been

You would have been the perfect addition to our family

I loved you before you were born but the moment I saw you I loved you again more fiercely than I knew was possible

I love you because you are a part of me

I love you because you are a part of your amazing daddy Jeremy

I love you because you are my son

I am so sorry for how your short life ended, I did my best to keep you safe as long as I could, and I would have done so much more if it meant you would be here with us now

I am sorry you didn't get to know your daddy, because he loves you just as much as me and he is the best dad in the whole wide world

He would have been your best buddy and the ultimate lego partner

I miss knowing you are growing safe in my tummy,

I was never alone when you were with me but now I am without you

My hopes and dreams for you were shattered that night and my job as a mommy was taken away from me

My arms ache to hold you, my lips to kiss your tiny cheeks

I wish things were different, I wish you were still here with us

Even though I never got to see you smile, comfort you when you cried or change your diaper I miss you, I miss you so much

I will never forget you my sweet baby boy

I will hold you in my heart until we meet again