By Pavlina, London UKLike many of you, I also found comfort and hope in this site, and looked forward to posting a green story, and as a week and two passed I started feeling positive and really believed we might make it.
PROM at 16 weeks + 4 days. Delivery at 20 weeks + 4 days.
Story added: 2007-11-23
Anyway to start from the beginning.
My pregnancy was going well, although I was a little anxious due to a previous miscarriage at 12 weeks, which was not PROM related and I had two very heavy bleeds with it before I finally lost the baby. With this one, I had a tiny bit of spotting 2-3 times before 12 weeks but was told this was fairly common, so not to worry.
Then at 16 weeks 4 days, I went to the toilet to pee and felt a gush of liquid at the same time and when I got up there was another slight gush which made it clear this was not pee, as I could not contain it. I went to bed immediately and called the hospital. They said I could come that evening but they could only speculate whether it is loss of amniotic fluid and it was best to go for a scan the following day. The scan showed that I had a tiny single pocket of fluid left but the baby had a strong heartbeat. The prognosis we were given was very poor, and the termination unequivocally was to terminate, even if we were told that they could not force us to, but we must know about the risks of infection and risk of baby dying or being very impaired. One doctor mentioned 1% and another 0.001%. We felt we could not do that, but I still hesitated in my mind wondering if I might ruin any chances of ever having a baby, for a non-existent chance, but just to have the clear conscience of not stopping that tiny heartbeat...
During that time I started reading on the Internet and found this site, which made me stronger in my conviction that we were doing the right thing, it helped that my husband felt the same way.
Also, we went to see a private doctor in Harley Street, who was the first one to make us feel better, in so far that he felt that our decision not to terminate was reasonable, and that the chance of infection is quite low, because in 1/3 of PROMs, there is an associated infection but in those cases, miscarriage would usually happen within 3-5 days. He did say however that risk of neonatal death is about 80% with PROM at 16 weeks, if we do manage to carry the pregnancy to viability. He also said that bedrest does not make any difference, even if I hook myself to the ceiling upside down, and this was a relief to hear as I had a new job (this happened on the 3rd day of me starting and I had not told them I was pregnant) but also because I was finding it upsetting in hospital and felt I needed the distraction if I was to stay positive. None of the doctors in fact said that bedrest would make a difference, although they said there was no evidence, while this one was adamant it didn't. anyway, I went back to work (office based) and in the evenings and weekends I lied in bed, not very logical I know, but just in case it helped somewhat I wanted to do that.
The more time passed, the more I hoped, I would put headphones on my stomach and play baby songs and re-read again all the green storied on this site, and then the blue ones, to gather any information that could help. Meanwhile the scans still showed no fluid, and once a small pocket. Then at 20 weeks, on the weekend while I was in bed, I felt what might have been slight contactions or pulsation in my belly and I have been having some tummy pain, so I worried a lot but tried to lie still and ignore it, and then slept. The next morning I was feeling fine and relieved, but towards the evening I went to to toilet, and while they I could feel that something is not quite right, and I could feel something, which felt like a little foot, although it was quite high and I could just feel the shape with my finger. I freaked and we went straight to hospital. In fact I remembered reading one of the stories where this happened, although it was a whole limb, and thought at the time what a nightmare that would be...
Well, from there on, there was no going back, and I had to be induced because although I was only very slightly delated, the inevitable had started. The baby's heartbeat was still strong and I felt very anxious about the baby being distress with the foot out. I was given a drip which was supposed to make contractions happen sooner. We were told that at that age there was absolutely no chance, and yet we kept asking but wouldn't they try at least to help the baby, would they just let it die if it was still breathing, and they said it will only be prolonging the inevitable. It took 2 days before the baby came out, and all that time I was painfully aware of his foot, luckily I could not feel it which would have been even worse. He fought so hard our little boy, the heartbeat was there until the night before the delivery but the stress of the contractions was too much with part of him being stuck out already...Words cannot describe who devastated we felt when we saw him. He was a little bruised especially the legs, but he was perfect and even looked like his daddy - the chin, the lips, and especially the longish and athletic little body. I always knew I wanted to see him, and this was definitely the right thing for us, and it gave us some comfort, although it broke my heart to see my husband carry him around and singing to him, and telling him of all the things he would have liked to do with him.
It has been two days since then, and everyone says be strong and positive, it will happen next time, it was not meant to be, and I am sure I would be saying the same thing to friends, but although I am scared about other pregnancies after this experience, my grief is about this little boy whom I would never know, they are so unique and he was already his own person with his distinctive features, and it is him I miss, not just having and holding a baby.
I agree with many here that having momentos, and photos and being able to hold him, make things a little easier, and I would recommend that.
It is hard not knowing what might have caused this, and I wonder if anything could have been different, if bedrest might have helped carry him a few weeks longer, or if having highlights 5 weeks ago might have been harmful...
I know I should not feel guilty but I cannot help feeling that I have failed him. He was perfect and healthy and fought so hard, yet I could not provide him with the protection he needed, my body was at fault. which is why I am finding it harder to come to terms with than my husband. Perhaps it is his religion that helps as well, we had a priest come for a blessing and he was able to pray while I sat there with my head down...hoping he did not suffer, hoping he is better off. We felt relieved that he was not alive when he came out, as were were terrified we would have to watch him die, but there are times I wish he was just for a few seconds so he could feel our touch and love.
I would also say that we feel better for giving him the chance to live, as it makes it a bit easier in our grief, than if we had to take the decision to terminate, but I would understand those that do, as the odds are quite tiny, particularly with almost complete lack of fluid as was my case, and it must be so much harder to last another 6-8-10 weeks and then lose the baby anyway.
We will never forget him, our little boy Leon. And even if we could not take him home, we know what it feels like to be parents and feel that love.
I wish you, from the bottom of my heart, that you will be posting a green story, and will be able to hold and see your baby grow.