By Lyndsay Hayhurst, Rossendale England
PROM at 14 weeksDelivery at 37 weeks.
Story added: 2006-07-18

Well it all started with missing taking the pill one day (just one day!!). I found out I was pregnant at 9 weeks along - although rather shocked, I was also very happy.

At 12 weeks I started to bleed, I went to the hospital to find out what was going on, here I was scanned and told baby was ok, I was convinced I was having a m/c. Anyway I continued to bleed up until 23 weeks (this was very stressful). In between this I had at least two more what I would call large bleeds, where each time I was hospitalised for a week or so. It was at a 16-week scan I was told my amniotic fluid was very low, I must have been leaking along with the blood…. this really freaked me out, so I read up on it and found this website, where miracles do happen (just not to me…)

I managed to hold on to my baby until 37 weeks exactly, with very little fluid throughout (I don’t think it ever went above 2cm). I went into labour the day before I was due to go in for a c section anyway. My beautiful baby Ben was born at 10am on the 5th July 2006, weighing 7lb 15oz, he was perfect in every way, except his lungs didn’t work, he had what is called pulmonary hypoplasia. They couldn’t get oxygen into him; they worked on him, however he died about ½ an hour after birth.

I held him all afternoon and took in his face, gave him lots of kisses and cuddles and told him that I was sorry and that I loved him so much. I highly recommend to anyone who loses a baby to make sure they do this, as this is my most treasured memory.

I still can’t get over how he was the double of his older brothers and looked so healthy. Knowing you have low fluid, you try and prepare yourself for the worst. However, when it happens, you feel like a part of you has also died. I don’t know how I will ever get over this…. I have to though, for the sake of my husband and other two children.

It’s the bizarre feeling of guilt that is the worst – have I done something wrong? Did I not want him enough? Am I a bad person? Was he suffering inside me? (This is the worst thought of all).
How could I go through the most stressful of pregnancies, keep him inside me for so long and then for him to die – it is not fair (yes - I am at the feel sorry for myself stage!) Sorry to those who have been through far worse than me, I know I should be grateful for the kids I do have.

Anyway thanks for reading this, I really hope that if you are going through the same, your story has a different ending.

An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book... too beautiful for earth"

Lyndsay Hayhurst
Mummy to Max (5), Jack (2) & Angel Ben.