By Ursula, Toronto, Ontario CanadaI’ve often heard people say that something was a “defining moment” in their life. I never really understood how one could determine what defines their life until it was all lived and they were looking back... Now I know. I just wish that we had some control over the moments that shape our lives, rather than just in the reactions and choices we make in dealing with those moments.
PROM at 21 weeks + 2 days. Delivery at 21 weeks + 5 days.
Story added: 2006-03-03
I don’t really know where to start. Do you start with that moment when you realize you have created another life with the person you love the most. Should I describe the months previous to that when I did everything I could to strength, train and feed my body so that it would be a good home to a tiny life that needed me to help it grow strong enough to live in this world. Needless to say - when that plus sign finally appeared on that little white stick (after 14 months of waiting) I was incredulous. I remember thinking - this is a test I was feeling I would never pass. I’m finally in the club!!
We were finally pregnant with our first child. After 12 months of trying and 2 rounds of Clomid. We started out happy, but tentative. Friends had had miscarriages and disappointments, we didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves. My first 18 weeks were relatively easy. I was hungry, tired and very, very happy. It was like an incredible drug, this growing of a life. I loved to read what my body was doing all by itself - all I had to do was eat well, exercise and rest. It was an incredible experience. Our first and second ultrasounds were great. We were having a health, beautiful baby girl. There was little chance of genetic problems and she was the perfect weight and size. Everything was great.
Christmas was so exciting. We shared our news with family and friends. The expectations and excitment helped to make it all the more real. Parents becoming grandparents, children becoming parents. Roles changing, lives evolving. My mom came up for a visit and love, advice, excitment and support were all offered to her growing daughter. It brought some hope to a family that had been suffering from fear (past family health problems). I had no idea, amongst all the excitement how much my life was going to change.
There was a set back at 20 weeks. I started getting a pain in my left side. It came and went on Tues. Most people told me it was ligaments stretching, as I was starting to show more. By Thursday I called Telehealth and they told me to head to the ER. After 8 hours of waiting and many different theories, we had an ultrasound. Everything looked great. There was our beautiful girl, squirming around. I could feel her kicking and the ultrasound showed her little feet pushing up against my belly.
They were inconclusive on what was causing me tremendous pain and told me to go home and take Tylenol. I was hysterical. We ended up heading down to L&D of the Women’s College, where they told me one of my fibroids had deteriorated. It would not impact my pregnancy. They gave me Tylenol with codeine,which I took for 24 hours, until I could stand the pain again.
Two weeks later, everything was going well, so we were off to Ottawa to visit family. Thurs. night when I went to the bathroom I noticed a lot of mucus (which I now guess was my mucus plug). On my drive down I was feeling really full and a bit crampy. On Sat. we walked around Ottawa. I was still feeling light cramps and trying to go to the bathroom alot. My panties were a bit wet when I went for an afternoon nap. When my husband woke me up ( we were off to the Senator's NHL game) I got up and water rushed down my leg. I ran to the toilet and tons more rushed out. When I stood up to get my husband the last of it ran to the floor.
We rushed to the Ottawa General hospital and headed up to L&D. At this point I was nervous, but not terrified. I had no contractions, no blood and I could still feel my little girl moving. They checked my cervix,which was closed, and tested to see if my membrane had ruptured, it had. The doctor explained that if I could make it to 24 weeks (I was 21wks 2 days) there was a 50-50 chance of survival and a 10% chance of normal development. They outcome was not good.
They put me on antibiotics and monitored me the Saturday night and I went home on the Sunday for 2 days to see if the amniotic fluid would regenerate. Those 2 days were painful and difficult. I could still feel my baby moving, but now it felt like she was riping my insides out with her. My husband could really feel her move because there was no firmness to my belly now. I didn’t know how long I could take the ache in my heart, and the ache in my stomach. Monday she was moving around a lot. Tuesday morning I could not feel her at all.
I never got an infection, or went into labour. My ultrasound on the Tuesday showed no heartbeat. She was gone. They induced labour at 1:30 pm and I gave birth to my beautiful 1 pound girl at 4:59 on Valentine’s day. My husband and I named her Trista. We got to hold her and tell her how much we loved her. We felt so proud, and yet holding her as a family after labour was the most heartbreaking moment of my life. It was not how you imagine the moments after delivery to be.
We have many supportive family and friends. My husband has been amazing, however two weeks later I still feel so very sad and alone. I’m beyond living every minute of the birth, and now I can’t quite figure why I’m crying. I just feel so heartbroken.
I have done a lot of research on fibroids and pPROM and there doesn’t seem to be a correlation between them, however my OBGYN recommends removing them (they are only 3-5cm in size, not large really). The risk is a hysterectomy. I am terrified to lose my uterus, and terrified to try again.