By Andrea Harris, Philadelphia, PA USAI lost my daughter Tatianna Alexis on December 28, 2005 at
PROM at 18 weeks + 1 days. Delivery at 18 weeks + 4 days.
Story added: 2006-01-27
3:55 PM at 18 weeks gestation to PROM. My water broke at 10:30 AM Christmas morning and I was rushed to the hospital. Since I was out of town visiting family for the holidays, I was advised to stay off my feet, drink as much fluid as possible, and return home ASAP. I was given a small glimmer of hope that my baby may survive. I returned home 2 days later, and after multiple ultrasounds were done, I was told that my daughter had no fluid around her and that her kidneys weren't functioning well enough to regenerate the lost fluid. I over heard one of the ER doctors mention a procedure called amnioinfusion that was going to be attempted, but after the ultrasounds, they declined to even try to procedure. They gave my daughter a less than 1% chance of survival. They basically told me that she was suffocating because there was no fluid around her, and that her lungs would not develop properly from the lack of fluid.
I was advised to terminate the pregnancy. I was heartbroken, devastated and wanted to do whatever I could to give my daughter a chance. Before I left for my trip, everything was fine with my baby. 2 days later, my baby's heartbeat was very faint, if audible, and she had no amniotic fluid. I asked numerous second opinions, and was given the same outcome and advice..terminate. I could not bear to take my child's life after seeing her heartbeat and still feeling her move inside me. I was induced into labor at 11:30 AM after deciding to end my baby's suffering and delivered her stillborn at 3:55 PM on December 28, 2005. She was 6 inches long and weighed 10 ounces. She looked just like her father. I held her for hours, sang to her, cried, kissed her and told her how much I loved her. Then I gave her to the nurse and said my final goodbye.
After coming home from the hospital, I researched what happened to my daughter, and was shocked to find that there were other procedures that could have been done to give my daughter a chance at survival, but I was not told about them. I'm not even sure the doctors knew about them. It has been very hard since my daughter's death. I sometimes blame myself, and even my fiance blames me sometimes. I don't know if the amniocentisis I had caused my PROM, or if my BV infection had something to do with it. All I know is that my baby is dead, and I have no clear-cut reason, and the doctors did not do everything possible to save my daughter's life. We discussed a lawsuit, but after conferring with an attorney, it was determined that I did not have a basis for a malpractice case or even a wrongful death case.
Tomorrow will be one month since my princess was born to heaven. I still feel that someone or something else was responsible. People have been telling me "It was God's plan", and "Everything happens for a reason." I am so sick of hearing that. I am also fed up with hearing "Oh, you're young...you can always have more kids", like my daughter is just a number or something. She was my baby!
I still have a lot of anger, hurt, bitterness, sadness, guilt, and other emotions. I desperately want to be pregnant again, NOW, and my fiance does too. I haven't even had a normal cycle yet, but we are trying, and people are bashing me for that too. I am angry that God took my daughter, yet allowed 2 of my cousins to carry their baby girls and give birth to them in the next few months. I avoid them at all costs. I have my good days and bad days, and lately, I have been very sad, missing my little girl. Maybe God took her from me because I wanted a daughter too badly. Maybe he felt I didn't deserve to have a daughter. Maybe God felt that my gender hang-ups were the wrong reasons to bless me with a daughter. I don't know why my daughter was taken from me, but my arms are empty and long to hold her, see her smile, smell her, kiss her, and love her.
Every night, I talk to my baby, and ask her to ask God to bless mommy with another special princess like her. I tell her how empty my life is without her, even though I have her brother and love him dearly. I feel incomplete without a daughter in my life. I have no one to share all the mother/daughter things with, and I feel like I am missing out. Am I being selfish? Am I wrong for my feelings? Others seem to think so.
Thanks for letting me share my story.
Andrea
Tatianna Alexis Born to Heaven 12/28/05 at 18 weeks gestation due to PROM
Jayden Anthony-Maliq 3 years old!! 12/26/02