By Betsy Doerr, Boardman United States
PROM at 22 weeks + 5 days. Delivery at 23 weeks.
Story added: 2005-11-04

Ember Rae Doerr: This is her story>After giving birth to my son on March 7th 2005, it was a big shock to find out i was pregnant again not even 2 months later..We were so excited to get the news. They would have been like twins so close in age. I was so happy to know they would have each other to play and grow with. My daughter 7 years old never had that, and i always felt bad she didnt have that sibling to grow up with. I wasnt sure but had a feeling something wasnt right with this pregnancy, never dreamed something like prom would occur, just thought i would maybe end up on bedrest i was extremely wore out at the end of the day. But a baby and a 7 yr old, housework and everything that goes along with it can do that to you. almost 6 months preg i just thought the next three months are gonna get difficult, i always felt she was very low compared to other two pregnancies but the dr had no concern, and she was breech at the time of my sono..no concern there either. I guess things worry us more then the dr's. Everything was going along normal..no pains no bleeding NOTHING..so when i ruptured, i could not belive it...Because my water didnt break with my other two children, when i first noticed a leak i automatically assumed it was a leaky bladder. We had just finished decorating outside for halloween me and my husband and my daughter and the kids in the neighborhood were all outside. I felt a trickle and said to my husband that this is strange, i felt like it was my bladder but had NO control. Went inside sat on the couch and my daughter was acting silly as usual making me laugh and at that point the pressure and the amount of water i lost was extreme, i bursted!! ran upstairs to the bathroom shaking and trying to keep it together, fighting the tears i did not want to scare my daughter and the other kids that were here. Called my husband up, dont think he even knew what to expect, but i did. I knew it was the begining to the end of my little one. Feeled with such saddness i was terrified of what was to come once we did get to the hospital. The next two days i dont even think i was breathing, everything to seemed to be such a blur and a part of me just wanted it to be over. Please dont get me wrong i never wanted to let go of my baby but i knew it was a matter of time and i felt like it was a waiting game, a game that i had already lost. I just wanted to go home and hug my son and my daughter. Was i in denial that i could go home and pretend this never happened??I think so. Oct 9th 6:30 am, i felt the urge to go to the bathroom and i could'nt use a bedpan to do that, so like a stupid fool i got up and that is when she was born, born into this world in a toilet. I blame myself everyday for getting out of bed, had i stayed in maybe it wouldnt of happened. God please help me to forgive myself for what i had done. I think i will forever blame myself.As the dr's and nursing rush in my room i remember looking at my husband and the terror and saddness in his eyes i will never forget. Watching while im standing over the toilet with our baby girl connected to me. The crazy part of it all was i dont think they even realized it was the baby. They were about to put me back into bed and i said you cant she is here what about the baby, i heard the nurse say its the fetus.They took her immediately and next thing i know the dr comes in and said they cant save her. Her lungs are not developed enough but she is alive and would i like to see her. WOW is this really happening or is it a nightmare..please someone wake me up!!!!I was so scared to see her. My first reaction was no i cant handle that, i cant see her!!They told me she was beautiful and that there was nothing to be afraid of. Thank God for giving me the strengh to hold her. The next hour me and my husband held and kissed her. Watching her little heart beat, she had eyelashes, little fingernails, perfect little baby. She looked just like my husband. Her ears, the shape of her mouth, amazing she was just perfect. It was almost like her heart was glowing i could see it thru her chest. I remember thinking everything is perfect with her>>>WHY cant they fix her lungs.Her heart is so strong. I would give anything to have our baby girl stay with us, i wish i could breath for her. Ember stayed with us for 1 1/2 hours. She died in her daddy's arms while i was in surgery. He later told me he watched as her heart slowly began to stop until finally it would beat no more. She went peacefully with no pain. I am so happy she had her daddy to hold her while she went to heaven. My heart aches everyday, i long to have her near. My tears only stop for a short while, i think they are here to stay. I have 2 beautiful children that i thank god for everyday, but one child could never replace another and i dont know how to move on. I joined this in
hope of finding some peace. Through others words i hope i can draw strengh. At times i feel like i'm going crazy and i cant talk to anyone anymore. My family and friends have been through this every step of the way and i think they like to believe i'm doing well so i dont want to let them down. My husband is also trying to heal and i feel like their is nothing lefted to say. We have spent endless hours talking and crying with each other and i dont want to bring him down if he is having a good day. I'm still stuck in this painfull, hurting place. Reading other stories helps me though for some time i felt like i was the only women in the world going through this pain.My prayers are with you all and i hope God blesses you with they children you want. To those who have lost my heart breaks for you and for those who are trying again my prayers are with you. I would like to share a poem my husband wrote and read at the memorial service..... So little time we had with you!But during that short time your beauty shown through. Your wonderful little face and your tiny little hands. Why? God,Why? we didnt understand. We seen your tiny little heart beating in your chest and its now in our hearts where we'll remember you best. So little time we had to hold you near. Now we know that is Jesus that holds you my dear. Your soul now rests peacefully in the most wonderful place, Please God Please give her a kiss from her mommy and me on her face. Your memory will always live strong in our home. We will always picture you at different stages of your life healthy and grown. So little time, the minutes should of been years, God give of the strength through the sorrow and the tears. Even though it hurts, we are Thankful for the time God gave us with you. One day we'll walk hand-in-hand in heaven and you can show us all the through. We try to picture it now, what a glorious day. Until then we will miss you and we love you!!Our beautiful little girl, Ember Rae!In loving memory of Ember Rae Doerr
10-09-05