By Heather Kruse, fort worth, texas usa
PROM at 16 weeksDelivery at 29 weeks + 4 days.
Story added: 2005-10-30

This is the story....I continually leaked fluid from
from 16 wks to 29wks. I would reacumulate and leak
just about all day every day. It just got to be in
bigger quantities as Kaden got bigger with less room
to move. It was thursday August 4, and in the late
afternoon around 5:30p and I woke up from a nap with a
big gush of course so I went to the bathroom, and then
laid back down in the hospital bed. I asked the nurse
when she popped in around 15 minutes later to listen
to Kaden's heartbeat and she was having a lot of
trouble finding it. So she brought in several other
nurses and went to call my doctor to come up and do a
sono. They thought that the beat they were hearing in
the 70's was me. They then wheeled me into the sono
room and Dr. Howard did a sono, and his heart was
beating very slowly. I have never been told exactly
why it dropped and didn't come back up. The only thing
that would make sense is that he rolled onto his cord
and didn't roll off. Not sure though. No we didn't
have an autopsy done. I didn't want to put his body
through all of that and he would have still been dead
so what difference would it have made?... Just my
thoughts on that....SO anyways, the Dr. told me to
roll over onto my side, and his heart rate still
didn't go up, so he turned to the nurse and said.."
get her down to the or for an emergancy
section"....and they ran for a gurney, and had me get
on it on my side. WE noticed that there was blood on
the sono table at that point. We all piled into the
elevator...me, justin, nurses, my mom, and step dad
were all in there. They were telling me to just take
deep breaths and my mom asked me..."heather are you
alright?.." and I said I was just scared. I was
shaking, and i started to cry a little. They sent
everyone a different direction when we got off the
elevator, so I was all alone surrounded by bright
lights and medical personnel. they all started ripping
off my clothes and had me get on the operating table.
they tied my arm down and dr howard was already
scrubbed and waiting. they had me sign some forms, and
inserted a catheter, and put a mask on my face with
the anesthesia medication in it. The anesthesiologist
was rubbing my forhead while tears were running down
my face, and he said not to worry that he would take
care of me and that i would be okay. I was just all
around scared. Not really for myself or for
Kaden...just scared. He said to take deep breaths and
so i did. I said i felt like i couldn't breathe, and
they all go..."that means it's working"....how
reassuring is that?.... THe next thing I remembered
was hearing dr howard say..."heather, we got the baby
out and he's not doing too well".....i think I said
okay...but i don't know for sure. From what I was
told...they wheeled me into a recovery unit. All the
while, they stabilized Kaden, and took him to the NICU
and he crashed on the way there. THey tried 4
different vents and took them out and put them back
just to make sure it wasn't a tube issue. My family
was all in a room waiting and it had been about 45
minutes from the time we parted ways. THey then saw dr
howard and his assistant coming down the hall and he
told them what he knew. the neonatologists came in and
basically told justin that kaden wasn't going to be
able to breathe on his own for very long and the blood
work they did showed " metabolically incompatable for
survivability".....they said. They told justin that
the best choice would be to take him off life support
and let him pass when ever his heart stopped. He just
looked at the dr, dumbfounded by his words. My mom was
there with him and she told him..."justin, honey, they
have to hear you say that's okay"....so he said okay,
and signed a DNR....From what they have told me they
would see small rises in his o2sat which was like
somewhere around the 60's at it's highest. His lungs
were sooooo rigid. Anyways, they took him out of the
nicu and took the whole entire family....like everyone
i am related to, and put them in a private room, and
justin sat there and rocked kaden, and prayed that god
would make some miracle and kaden would get better. he
said that his chest took a big gasp and the neo came
in and pronounced him dead at 8:05pm...he was born at
6:34pm weighing 2.11.8 lbs and 15 inches.....he had
little rolls on his thighs....so cute!
THe next thing i remember was my mom on my right in
the recovery area and justin on my left. the nurses
knew that he was dead and said that i asked about him
over and over but i don't remember that and apparently
they just told me they didnt know... so my mom ask me
to open my eyes, and she said..."heather, he didn't
make it" i felt a huge breath of peace from God sweep
over me at that point and said "i cant hear anymore
right now"....then the next thing i remember was being
wheeled into my room and the family was all there
waiting. the nurses brought kaden to me and i just
laid there and cried...and it hurt so bad...on top of
a broken heart. i kept him until around 1:00 am and
then they brought him back to me around 6:00am that
morning and i had him until 3:00pm or so. I felt
comforted in some way having him in my arms.
He looked as if he was asleep, yet he was cold to the
touch and quite blue in the face, but his skin was
like velvet. There were two nights left to spend and
deal with recovery after that....i was heavily
medicated throughout all of it. I was hysterical. I am
pretty sure the whole ward heard me whaling at night.
I was released on sunday afternoon and had to attend
the viewing of his body that same night with the
funeral the next morning. It all happened so fast.
that is the whole story in a nutshell

Physically I am
doing very well, emotionally I am devistated, but
there is hope. That is what the dear preacher friend
that officiated Kaden's beautiful funeral said , and
that is what I know in my heart to be true. The women
who are a part of this website that have experienced
the same loss as me, I have a new found respect and
understanding for. God in His mercy and grace decided
to take my precious baby boy to heaven and spare him
from the suffering he may have endured in this world.
There are no words that decribe the utter pain,
disapointment, heartbreak, and dispair that Justin and
I feel at this time. The neonatologists that were
working on my baby boy while I was in recovery said
that the bloodwork showed "metabolically incompatible
with survivability"......If Kaden would have lived,
they said he would have been profoundly cognitivley
defected, meaning severe cerebral palsy. I to this day
cannot process that in my mind. Me? My
child?....mentally disabled in such a way that I would
have been bound to a lifetime of changing daipers and
tube feeding my child whom I have an undescribable
ammount of love for?....It is a bittersweet and
uncomprehendable situation. I am thankful to God that
my baby did not suffer for long. That he went from his
earthly daddy's arms to his Heavenly father's, and now
his perfect little body is laying in a 2 foot box on
28th street, six feet in the ground next to many other
babies. How disturbing is that? I would give anything
to be lying back in that hospital in that isolated
antepartum room, incubating my precious boy. Or I
Would give anything to be spending my nights in the
nicu with him cuddled up to my chest singing him the
same lullabies I have been for the last 7 months. As I
write this letter to you, I can not hardly see to type
for the tears in my eyes. The deep aching pain inside
of me makes me reflect on Mary the mother of Jesus.
How did she watch them hurt her child? How did she
manage to watch him suffer. The man that she had once
given birth to. The toddler she held on to as he
learned to take his steps. The pain must have been
undescribable. I have thought to myself in the last
few days that surely if she could endure all of that,
in time maybe in some way I can learn to cope with the
loss of the baby I so wanted to show the world, the
baby I so wanted to rock in my arms, the baby I so
wanted to have look into my eyes and know that I would
do everything in my power to love and protect. There
is no fairness in this situation. It is an unfortunate
circumstance that is a part of Life that my son will
never have to experience. He was beautiful. Like a
sleeping angel. I have no answers for why we must go
through bad things in life. All I know is that God
still loves me and my husband, He is softly rocking my
precious baby, and though there is no joy now, there
will be , and somehow by His Grace we will walk
through this valley together drawing closer to Him
than ever before; depending souly on His strength to
carry us through, and His grace and mercy to help us
endure this undescribable pain.
I want every woman who has been in these shoes to know
that we are called by God to share a special love with
the world. I beleive there is a reason why we have had
this tragedy occur in our lives. I don't know what it
is today, but God in His perfect timing will reveal it
to us, and like I said joy will be restored. Thank
everyone of you for your continued thoughts and
prayers. In memory of my angel...I never wanted to
have an angel by the way. I wanted to tell you that I
had a miracle child and he beat the odds. My miracle
was only for an hour and a half and now he is perfect.
Kaden Michael Kruse B/D August 4 2005 laid to rest
August 8 2005 2.11.8 lbs 15 inches 28 wks 6 days prom
16 wks