By Marni, Montreal, Quebec Canada
PROM at 21 weeks + 2 days. Delivery at 23 weeks + 3 days.
Story added: 2005-01-22

My pregnancy was not very easy from the start. I spent the first months nauseous, tired, and an ocean away from my husband. As soon as I returned to Canada I had a terrible scare with heavy bleeding at 12w; At 16w I lost a lot of fluid suddenly, but at the hospital they did the paper test, and concluded it was not amniotic fluid. I did have some separation of my placenta, and was told to take it easy. I did this, and at my 18w test, they said everything looked great.

At 21w, I started to lose more fluid, but after my last experience, I thought is was just urine. It became clear that this was not the case. Once I finally went to the clinic, they said that my amniotic fluid level was at 2cm, which was insufficient for lung development. The outlook was pessimistic. I would have to wait until 24w for them to consider delivering the baby, but they did not expect me to last that long. Even if we did, there was a very high chance of severe disability, not to mention the likely respiratory problems from missing these two + crucial weeks in amniotic fluid. They suggested that because of this, the mental strain, and the high chance of infection, we terminate. But, we could wait and see.

I went back to the clinic at 23w, and my fluid level was the same despite a very difficult week of complete bed rest. First, it is difficult to be a very active person in bed all the time, and second, I was tortured about the decision we had to make. My husband was very supportive and wanted to keep hoping as long as possible, but my health (physical and mental) was the top priority. My friends were all amazing and gave me lots of distractions to pass the time. After the 23w appointment, and all we had read about the true probabilities, we decided to terminate, and it was scheduled for the next day.

The nurses were all very good, and although we had to stay in the maternity ward, we had the room furthest away from the new mothers. The induction started at 8:30 am, and I had heavy cramps by noon. They gave me some painkillers, which made me vomit quite a lot, and we saw a psychologist, that we will see again. By 7:45pm I had regular, intense contractions, and at 8:30, after one big push, our little baby came out. He did not survive the delivery, but he was absolutely beautiful. We spent a long time with him. I told him to find my mom, who died almost exactly a year and a half ago, and we named him Severino. We marvelled at how little he was, and how perfect he was. I am sure I was quite high on endorphins, as the contractions had really hurt, but I was then in a state of tranquility and awe.

I didn't pass the placenta, and then I had to go for a D&C, but it went well. We came home this morning, tired, sad, and a quite lost. I am still bleeding a lot, but have not started to give milk.

We miss him a lot already. We have some pictures, and his footprint. We have such a lovely memory of him, and although we are terribly sad about what happened, we still think we made the best decision for our family. Both of our families fully supported the decision, and are glad that my health is good, and that we didn't make him suffer unduly. For now, we have a lot of work to grieve, and to get in shape to try again.

He is our first son, and will always be. Sweet Severino.