By LAURA, HURRICANE, WV USA
PROM at 16 weeks + 4 days. Delivery at 30 weeks + 4 days.
Story added: 2003-11-27

IT HAS TAKEN ME A WHILE TO WRITE MY PROM STORY. I WORRY BECAUSE I DON'T WANT ZOE'S STORY TO DICOURAGE ANYONE IN TRYING THEIR HARDEST FOR THEIR BABY. OUR BABY DID NOT MAKE IT WITH ALL OUR BEST EFFORTS, BUT IT WAS WORTH EVERY MOMENT OF TRYING.
I HAD A HIGH RISK PREGNANCY TO BEGIN WITH WITH AMA(ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE), IC (INCOMPETANT CERVIX W/ CERCLAGE), AND A BLOOD DISORDER THAT I WAS ON A BLOOD THINNER FOR. DURING MY FIRST TRIMESTER I HAD SLIGHT BLEEDING FROM THE EDGE OF MY PLACENTA FOR 4 WEEKS. THE NEXT 4 WEEKS WENT GREAT AND I FINIALLY STARTED TO RELAX. I HAVE THREE OLDER CHILDREN AND WHEN WE STARTED TRYING FOR OUR 4TH (AND SUPPOSELY OUR LAST) WE HAD TWO MISCARRAIGES PRIOR TO OUR PROM. WE HAD A GREAT 16 WEEK ULTRASOUND WITH NO ABNORMAL MARKERS. WE CAME BACK SLIGHTLY OVER A WEEK LATER AND DISCOVERED OUR PROM. I HAD NO FLUID TO MEASURE. MY DR. DID NOT GIVE US THE BLEAK PICTURE YET AS HE KNEW MOST LIKELY WE WOULD MISCARRY ON OUR OWN. HE SENT ME HOME ON BEDREST AND TO WAIT TO SEE WHAT THE NEXT WEEK WOULD BRING. I CAME HOME AND DID MY RESEARCH FOR THE NEXT 2 HOURS. I WAS SHOCKED AT HOW BAD THINGS SOUNDED. I LAYED ON MY LEFT SIDE AND DRANK AS MUCH AS I COULD. ALTHOUGH I DID NOT FEEL ANY LEAKING, WHEN I RETURNED IN A WEEK I STILL HAD NO FLUID. THEN MY DR. INFORMED US OF THE WHOLE STORY. HE WAS VERY HONEST BUT MORE HOPEFUL THAN WE PLANNED. MY BIGGEST SUGGESTION IS TO SEARCH OUT A DR. WHO IS HOPEFUL NO MATTER WHAT. THIS IS THE MOST IMPROTANT THING. MY DR. HAD SEEN IT WORK WELL BEFORE SO HE WAS VERY POSITIVE WHILE HE HAD TO BE HONEST ABOUT THE OUTCOMES. IN THE END I THINK HE HURT FOR US AS MUCH AS WE DID. WE WENT HOME ON COMPLETE BEDREST KNOWING OUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE WAS ALREADY KNOWN BY GOD AND WE JUST HAD TO REMAIN FAITHFUL TO DO WHAT WE COULD. I STAYED ON COMPLETE BEDREST FOR 13 WEEKS, FIRST 6 AT HOME AND THE LAST 7 IN THE HOSPITAL. THINGS WENT VERY CALM WITH NO INFECTIONS EVER. DUE TO MY NON-ACTIVITY AND MY AGE I DEVELOPED SLIGHT GESTATIONAL DIABETES. THEN AT WEEK 29 WE DISCOVERED HER GROWTH WAS SLOWING DOWN AND SHE WAS NOW CONSIDERED INTERUTERINE GROWTH RESTRICTED. WE GAVE HER A CONTRACTION STRESS TEST AFTER WE STARTED HAVING DIFFICULTY WITH SOME MINOR CONTRACTIONS BUT SHE PASSED SO WE DID NOT INDUCE LABOR YET. THAT NIGHT MY PLACENTA PARTIALLY ABRUPTED AND I WAS RUSHED DOWN TO LABOR AND DELIVERY. MY BLEEDING SLOWED AND SHE REMAINED STABLE SO THEY COULD GET ME SOME MORE DAYS FOR HER. I HAD ALREADY RECEIVED STEROIDS TWICE BUT THEY STARTED A THIRD ROUND TO HELP. I STAYED IN LABOR HALL ON CONSTANT MONITORING AFTER THAT. I LOVED LISTENING TO ZOE'S HEARTBEAT. MY CHILDREN NAMED HER ZOE BECAUSE IT IS A GREEK WORD MEANING "LIFE". WE KNEW THAT THE ONLY THING WE COULD OFFER OUR SWEET GIRL FOR SURE WAS LIFE...WE JUST WEREN'T SURE IF IT WOULD BE LIFE WITH US OR LIFE WITH JESUS. ON THE MORNING OF SEPTEMBER 11, 2003 MY DR. SAID SHE WAS UNSTABLE ENOUGH THAT OUR TIME WAS UP. WE HAD A C-SECTION RIGHT AWAY. I WAS SO SCARED OF THOSE FIRST MOMENTS TO FIND OUT IF SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE IT. AS MY DR. LIFTED HER OUT OF ME HE EXCLAIMED "SHE'S NOT EVEN SQUISHED!" IT TOOK HER A SECOND TO BREATH AFTER SHE WAS SUCTIONED BUT SHE WAS BREATHING ON HER OWN. HER APGAR WAS AN 8. SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. WE ALL CELEBRATED. I THINK EVERYONE MY DR. RAN INTO THAT DAY HEARD ABOUT OUR GIRL AND TOLD THEM SHE IS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T GIVE UP. SHE LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL. EVERYONE IN THE NICU COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW GREAT SHE WAS BECAUSE THEY HAD BEEN WAITING FOR HER AND WERE TOLD SHE WOULD BE VERY SICK. THOSE TWO DAYS WERE SO GREAT. I NEVER WORRIED ABOUT MY OTHER CHILDREN AS THEY WERE BORN LIKE I DID WITH ZOE THERFORE I NEVER FELT SO RELIEVED EITHER. THEIR BIRTHS WERE JUST A JOY...BUT NOW WE KNEW THE WHOLE STORY OF HOW CLOSE LIFE IS TO DEATH. WE BEIEVED WE WERE GIVEN LIFE. FOR SOME REASON, SHORTLY AFTER MIDNIGHT, 44 HOURS LATER, ZOE STOPPED OXYGENATING WELL. THEY TRIED EVERYTHING TO HELP. THEY WERE ALL SHOCKED. IT WAS LIKE HER LUNGS, WHICH DID END UP BEING SLIGHTLY RIGID, HAD HAD ENOUGH. WE WERE CALLED IN AFTER THEY TRIED THINGS FOR 3 HOURS. I WISH THEY HAD CALLED SOONER. ONE OF MY BIGGEST REGRETS IS THAT SHE WAS ALONE THEN. WE DID GET TO HOLD HER WHILE SHE WAS ALIVE. WE WERE ABLE TO BRING OUR PASTOR AND MY OTHER CHILDREN IN TO SEE HER TOO. BUT SOMEWHERE AROUND 5:30 AM SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATHS IN MY ARMS. I DO FEEL LIKE PART OF ME DIED WHEN SHE DID. I THINK THAT'S HOW IT IS FOR US MOTHERS AND FATHERS. IT FELT LIKE I HANDED HER RIGHT OVER TO GOD, HIS PRESENCE WAS SO THICK. I AM THANKFUL WE WERE THERE THEN.
I AM LEARNING HOW TO BE THE NEW ME. THERE ARE THINGS I'VE LEARNED THROUGH THIS THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE WANTED TO MISS, BUT THIS TIME THE COST WAS WAY TOO HIGH TO GAIN SUCH LESSONS. MY SECOND DAUGHTER HAD SURVIVED CANCER WHEN SHE WAS 8 YRS. OLD SO I AM NOT NEW TO LESSONS. STILL I HAVE ASKED WHY. I KNOW GOD IS UP THERE, AND I BELIEVE HE CRIED FOR ZOE LONG BEFORE I DID...I KNOW THAT SOME BABIES MAKE IT AND SOME DON'T, JUST AS SOME KIDS SURVIVE CANCER AND SOME DON'T. IN THE DARK DAYS FOLLOWING ZOE'S DEATH I HAD TO RELY ON BIBLICAL PROMISES WHEN MY OWN VISION WAS BLURRED WITH TEARS. ONE OF THE THINGS I AM SURE OF IS THAT ONLY GOD CAN KNOW WHEN WE ARE CONCEIVED AND WHEN WE DIE. I COULD NEVER HAVE CHOSEN TO END MY PREGNANCY EVEN IF I HAD KNOW THE OUTCOME. I MAY BE SAD AS THESE HOLIDAYS ARE APPROACHING, BUT I DO REST IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I DID ALL I COULD DO FOR ZOE.
PLEASE DON'T LOSE HOPE, AND SURROUND YOURSELF WITH OTHERS WHO ARE WILLING TO HOPE WITH YOU. IT IS FAR BETTER TO LIVE IN HOPE THAN TO FEAR DEATH. ALTHOUGH THIS WORLD SOMETIMES ONLY DELIVERS PAIN, REMEMBER GOD IS THE GIVER OF LIFE...AND THAT HE IS CRYING WITH YOU AT MOMENTS LIKE THESE...
LAURA