By Nicole Kirisome, Brisbane Australia
PROM at 17 weeksDelivery at 20 weeks + 3 days.
Story added: 2002-05-22

I had previously lost my baby boy through miscarriage at 15weeks - for an unknown reason. I went on to then have my daughter through a stressful but uneventful pregnancy.
Nearly 2 years later I was pregnant again and had been bleeding from 8 weeks - I had ultrasounds and the baby was fine and the doctors reson for the bleeding was that perhaps there was a small tear in the placenta - nothing to be too worried about. I was instructed to take it easy and to go straight to hospital if I had any pain. At 17 weeks I started getting some cramping so went straight to hospital where I had an ultrasound and the technician asked me if I had been losing fluid - because I had been bleeding I hadn't noticed that I had been leaking it slowly. The baby at that stage was ok and they admitted me into hospital for a week of bedrest and to give antibiotics in case of infection. I went home after 9 days but was back in 2 days later as I had started to have cramping again. I stayed in for another week and had ultrasounds that showed although my fluid level was low the baby was ok. Then one night my bleeding was different to normal and I was having tightening in my stomach. Nothing painful but I just knew something was wrong - I just wished I could have gone to sleep and not woken up until I was at least 24 weeks as this is the age the doctor told me my baby would have to be to have a remote chance of survival.
I spoke to my baby that night - I told him that I loved him (I'd had a feeling it was a boy even though the ultrasounds couldn't tell as he was curled up due to the lack of fluid) and I told him it was ok if he went now. He'd fought for so long and I knew he'd had enough. The next day when the midwives checked for a heartbeat they couldnt find one. The ultrasound showed he had passed away.
I was then induced and my son Michael was born. He was so beautiful - perfect little hands, fingers, feet and toes - he was 27cm long and was just like a full term baby just much smaller. As he was over 20 weeks we had to register him and have a funeral. His older sister wrote a letter to him and read it at the funeral. That was the thing I found the hardest - it is not right that a parent buries their child - it's meant to be the other way around.
It's only been 3 weeks since Michael passed away and I have good days and bad days. I go from thinking I want to get pregnant again straight away to thinking I never want to risk going through that again.
It's hard for people who havent been through it to understand and sometimes I feel like people think I should be over it by now but I just have this terrible ache inside of me like my heart has broken and its never going to mend.
I am grateful for the 2 beautiful girls I have and that helps me get through the days,

Nicole