By Melissa, Webster, WI US
PROM at 18 weeks + 2 days. Delivery at 20 weeks + 4 days.
Story added: 2001-06-12

This is my story of my sons birth and death.
I had been having a lot of problems through my pregnancy. It started when I was about 1 month along. I started bleeding and at first the bleeding only lasted a day, but by the time I reached 2 1/2 months I was bleeding everyday and it didn't stop. The doctor said that I had an irritated cervix and that the bleeding had nothing to do with the baby. So that is what I believed and tried not to worry about it like the doc said. But then at about 18 weeks my water broke. I went in to see my doctor and she confirmed it was my water that broke and she recomended that I go to see a specialist and have a level 2 ultrasound. There they told me that there was little to no liquid around the baby and they told me of all the problems this could cause- my heart sank. I thought that would be the worst that could happen boy was I wrong. Anyway at 20 weeks I started having BAD pains. I went to 2 hospitals by ambulance and at the second we lost our son, Tristan. I wasn't able to look at him cuz I was too scared of what he would look like I guess. My husband had him brought into another room so he could see him and tell him goodbye and I couldn't and it hurts a lot. I should have been able to hold my own child. And to tell him I love him and that I'll never forget him but I couldn't. I guess I'm having a very hard time with our loss, I can't go a day without crying. It's only been 6 weeks, but it still hurts like it was yesterday. I have to be strong for my husband and our 2 year old daughter, but some days it is so hard to do the things I have to do. I have a lot of guilty feelings and I know this is normal but I don't know how to get over these things. Maybe I never will. Is it wrong for me to think that? I feel like there are a lot of people who don't understand why I am still hurting so badly. If I start crying they look at me like I should not be doing that and I don't understand where they are coming from, cuz it is not something that I will ever get over and if I need to cry, I cry. Am I not supposed to cry in front of anyone anymore, should I go into another room to do that? Anyway thank you for listening to me babble.
sunken heart