I never imagined anything bad would
happen to my pregnancy and as the
weeks passed I swore we were gonna be
that 5% chance that made it through
with just an early delivery.
I have an 8 year old durring his
pregancy everything went perfect in
fact my water didnt even break it had
to be broken in the hospital.
This pregancy began the same perfect
with no issues until my 17th week. I
started to lightly spot and got scared
took myself to the hospital.
Ultrasounds were done showing no
issues but a placenta that appeared to
be a little low near my cervix. I was
assured that this isnt that abnormal
this early in the pregancy that the
placenta would move on its own and the
bleeding would stop. I was told to
take it easy and the ultrasound looked
good baby was thriving. Despit that
they took swabs, they completed a
couple of paps to test foreverything
else. All the blood work came back
fine and the triple screen told of no
defects on the baby.
Another week went by with no issues
and alot less spotting but I continued
to wear a pad just in case. It was a
Saturday when my whole world began to
come crashing down. I got up to use
the batheroon at midnight I was 19
weeks exactly. The toilet had clot in
it and some liquid passed I thought I
was miscarring. The clot reminded me
of what i imagined the mucus plug
would look like round bloody and
liquid following. I was devistated I
was sure I had lost the baby. On
monday I rushed into my doctors
explained my symptoms and he preformed
an ultrasound and another pap. He told
me I was fine he assumed I wasnt
hydrating myself enough and sent me on
my way. A week later we were sheduled
to have another ultrasound to find out
the babies sex. At That appointment
they could see the baby,his heart, and
the kidneys they couldnt see much
else. The ultrasound lady told me I
might have pprom and sent me to a
specialist to get a better look
at
the baby. When my doctor entered the
room I aksed him about pprom and he
said there is no way that can be whats
going on cause "you said your bleeding
not leaking fluid" I stood there
amazed and asked well maybe I am but
Im wearing a pad so I wouldn't even
know" He than went on to tell me he
was the doctor and I didnt know what I
was talking about.
4 days later my husband and I met with
the high risk specialist, they did an
ultrasound. We were completly caught
off ground when he looked at us and
said, "Theres no measurable pockets of
fliud we suggest you abort". He told
us we didnt have to decide now it was
alot to take in he would give us a
week. So I GOT HOME and ran search
engine after search engine praying for
a little bit of hope.
I talked to my family and I serched
more on the internet the odds of
making it to viabilty were not good
less than a 5% chance. A week later we
went in and met with a the risk
specialist we had decided to
terminate. I remember he turned on the
ultrasound and we saw a raging healthy
heartbeat and the head measurements
had gotten bigger. I sat on that table
before I could say terminate I started
to feel overwelmingly dizzy. My heart
started to race, I started to feel the
whole room closing in on me, my
breathing started to get shallow so I
got off the table and sat next to my
husband. We told the doctor we would
think about it more.
When we got home our biggest concern
was the life of this child. The child
may having breathing issues- lungs not
developed or muscle issues from not
being able to move enough due to the
lack of fluid. Ontop of that all the
surgeries from being born so
premature. Once again we thought the
best thing would be to terminate. I
called the doctor 3 days later (21
weeks) and asked to have the fluid
pockets re evaluted sometimes the
fluid comes back. My doctor took me in
that day and exmined once again no
measurable pockets , but, baby was
getting bigger. Baby was exactly where
thee should be although we still
couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl
due to no fluid.
I had told myself if there wasn't any
fluid still I would terminate so I
made the appoint for 2 days
later.
By the next morning I realized It
wasn't for me to decide. Because If I
terminated I would always wonder in
the back of my mind "maybe we made the
wrong decsion". I couldn't live with
that doubt always hanging over in the
back of my mind. So, I was destined to
bedrest for the next three weeks till
we hit 24 weeks. After that I would be
admitted to the hospital and recieve
steriod shots till the baby was
born.
The next few appointment were fine,
everything was looking better. The
fluid wasn't leaking as much, baby was
kicking and getting bigger with every
ultrasound.
I was in the homestreth 23 weeks and 5
days, when something odd happened. I
had taken a nap, then gone into use
the batheroom and instead of seeing
clear fluid on my pad- I found
greenish-blackish looking discharge.
It reminded me so much of the babies
first poop. I remebered reading that
when a baby was in destress often they
will release that first poop called
meconium. I called the doctor he said
not to work it was just my body being
normal and maybe a start of an
infection. He will see me in 3
days.
My doctor conviced me over and over NO
BIG DEAL. So, I listened to him.
That last weekend at home was so
exciting but a little nerve racking
knowing that monday I would be
entering the hospital for maybe weeks.
The plan was my best friend would jion
me at dr appointment to the ultrasound
and then husband would leave early
from work to take me to the
hospital.
Monday morning I hadn't sleep the
entire night before. As I got up with
my husband I was having cramping and
brownish liquid/ tiny grayish matter
was dropping into the toilet. I was
sure I was going into labor but only
had 3 hours till I saw the doctor so I
waited it out.
We arrived at the doctors, I mentioned
I thought I was going into labor while
I hopped up onto the table as I had
done a million times before. He
started the ultrasound I didn't see
the heart flickering. Shortly after he
told us the baby had passed. I told
him again I'm having contractions. He
said I was emotional cause I had just
been told the baby had died. He then
said he would call hospital so they
could start the inducement procedure.
The hospital said they would call me
later cause they were to busy for me
right now. Basically people were
having babies born alive so I wasn't a
priority.
I went home to wait for the call 2
hours went by and still no call from
the hospital. I was in pain so much
pain. I called them and they told
me "they did not have any rooms they
were all taken. They were sorry I was
in pain but if I came in I would have
to be in pain in the hallway." So, I
did what I had read about to stop
labor drink water and lay on your left
side. An hour later I got up to use
the bathroom and wiped. As I wiped I
felt my 24 week old babies foot. I was
having this baby wether this hospital
wanted me or not. Hobbled to the car
with my hand on my vaginia and laid
across the back seat praying this baby
would wait till I got to the hospital.
The baby was half born when I got to
the hospital.
Labor was very fast, the part that
took the longest was waiting for the
placenta. I remember asking it a boy
or a girl? They took a minute and said
I believe its a boy but its hard to
tell.
Then the question came from the
doctors a million questions - Do you
want an autospy? Do you want gentic
testing? do you want to have a funral?
Do you want the hosiptal to cremate?
Do you want to name the baby?Do you
want to see the baby? Do you want to
hold the baby?Do you want pictures? Do
you want a keepsake box? Do you want
this handmade blanket? Do you want Zac
to be clothed durring the picture?
There were so many damn questions and
papers to sign.
The hardest question was seeing or
holding the baby. I was scared what
the baby would look like. He looked
like a perfect little tiny boy. My
biggest regret is I never held him
cause I was scared how I would react.
I wish to this day I did.
The moral to my story is "don't ever
doubt yourself." If you think
something is wrong demand to be seen
by your doctor and don't take no as
answer. You know your body and those
motherly insticts are there - trust
them.
My little angel Zac was born sleeping
and I miss him everyday. I know it'll
get easier but I will never forget him.
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