It was one month ago today that we
lost our babies.
In early July, I was 17 weeks and 2
days pregnant with our twins when I
noticed a slightly watery discharge. I
worried at first but after doing an
Internet search, I decided it was
probably normal. If it didn't go away
in a day then I would call the doctor.
It was my first pregnancy so I was
pretty nervous about everything but it
had been moving along perfectly -- no
bleeding, no signs of any problems.
The next morning at 6 am my water
broke. It was a gush of water that
left a huge wet spot in the bed. We
went to the hospital and they
determined that my water had broken
with baby B, which at the time we
didn’t know was a girl. We knew that
baby A was a boy. Both baby’s hearts
were still beating just fine and there
were no signs of infection. Even so,
the doctors did not give us much hope
for either baby but told us we could
go home and wait it out. They didn’t
really encourage us either way but
told us many parents decide to induce
labor because most people (doctors
included) see it as a hopeless
situation. It made no sense to me that
they couldn’t at least save our baby
boy. He had water!! They told me that
as long as I didn’t develop a fever or
show signs of infection we could
continue to wait. They prescribed an
antibiotic but were very clear that
there was nothing they could do for
the babies unless I made it to 24
weeks. According to them, I would
probably go into labor within 48 hours
or within two weeks.
I stayed in bed for 2 weeks, only
getting up for doctor’s appointments,
the bathroom, and a shower every other
day. I drank as much water, cranberry
juice, and ate as much yogurt as I
could. I prayed non-stop that my
babies would live. The first few days
I barely moved, I was so afraid of
going into labor. I continued to leak
amniotic fluid daily. At the 19 week
ultrasound, both babies were doing
great. Everything looked perfect
except the amount of water that was
around our little girl – they never
said how much it was, they would just
say, “There is just a little bit of
water around baby B.”
I went to bed one night (19 weeks and
3 days) and felt a little off. I went
to the bathroom in the night and felt
something hard. I immediately woke my
husband up and we went back to the
hospital. The doctors took one quick
look and told me that the hardness I
felt was my daughter’s foot. Even
though she was baby B, the non-
presenting twin as they called her,
she had slipped past her brother. For
a few seconds, I was hopeful that our
son would be OK. The doctor told me
that because our daughter was coming
out feet first and because my water
had broken 2 weeks ago, there was
really no chance for either baby.
There was sure to be infection. It was
better to deliver our baby girl and
then induce labor if our baby boy
didn’t come naturally.
Over the course of the next 10 hours,
I delivered both babies. They had
warned us that our daughter could be
in bad shape because she hadn’t had
any water around her for two weeks and
she’d been stuck for hours. At the
time, I was in shock and I was heavily
medicated. I shut my eyes and asked my
husband if I should look at her. I was
so afraid. He told me that I shouldn’t
and I never held our little girl.
There is not a day that goes by that I
don’t regret it. Hours later our baby
boy came into the world. His water
broke as he was being delivered and
his heart beat for just over 20
minutes. We held him and named him
Graham. Because our daughter’s heart
wasn't beating when she was delivered,
we didn’t get to officially name her
but her name is Ava. After they were
delivered, the doctors and nurses
asked us all sorts of questions. I
don’t even remember half of them.
During the two weeks of uncertainty,
when I didn’t know if I would go into
labor or not, I tried to talk to
people about what we would do if the
worst happened – would we hold the
babies if they were born at 17, 18,
19, etc. weeks, would we name them,
would we have them cremated or buried,
would we have some type of service for
them. No one would have the
conversation with me. Everyone kept
saying, “You need to have hope if you
want them to hang on.” I feel like I
went into that situation totally
unprepared and I have regrets that
haunt me every single day. I should
have held her. I should have said a
prayer for them.
Two weeks after the babies were born,
we went back to the doctor for a
follow-up appointment. They told us
that there was no explanation for what
had happened. There was infection
present in both baby’s placentas but
it was ascending infection, meaning
that it probably started after my
water broke. There was no other
indication of why it happened. The
doctor said it was like getting struck
by lightening.
It's been a month and I’m a complete
wreck. I went to a Share support group
last night with my husband. I didn’t
want to go but it did actually help
me. We met a couple that had
experienced almost the same exact
thing as us, losing their babies the
same day as us – they lost their twins
at 22 weeks as a result of pProm at 19
weeks. So, we had been struck by
lightening and imagine our surprise
when we found ourselves sitting next
to another couple that had also been
struck by lightening – the same day.
They said their doctors used the
same 'lightening' phrase.
I know I will never find peace around
what has happened. Maybe one day I
will begin to accept that it’s
happened and it’s part of my life, but
I will never understand it. There are
too many unanswered questions.
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