I concieved my fraternal twin boys
last June (2008) using IVF/ICSI, it
was our third attempt. I knew I had
twins long before the scan, I felt
them both implant and I just knew so I
wasn't at all suprised when there were
two strong heartbeats in the 6 week
scan. I was overjoyed, I have no other
children and I was an only child so I
was so pleased that my children would
have each other throughout their whole
lives. Everything was going well, they
passed their nuchal scans and I felt
them move around at 16 weeks. The most
amazing feeling, not at all like
the 'butterflies' mentioned in the
pregnancy books, it was more like
eels!
Then at 18+1 I was sitting watching TV
and my waters broke. I didn't know
that could happen that early, and I
thought it was all over. We rushed to
the hospital, I felt like I was
holding my breath the whole time. Lots
of doctors telling me different things
but I was kept in and didn't go into
labour, I tested negative for
infections. I stayed in for 9 days and
then I went home on bedrest. During
that time we had several scans and
Baby Top had his sac intact while Baby
Bottom had very little fluid. I felt
like we were all doing well, they
continued wriggling around. I think it
must have been pretty tight in there,
when Baby Top moved my tummy would
protrude and then subside when he
moved back.
At 21 weeks Baby Bottom's cord
prolapsed and I went back to hospital.
He still had a strong heartbeat and I
was put on bedrest with my feet above
my head until my consultant saw me and
said I should deliver. So I got up
knowing that when the cord fell out it
would spasm and Baby Bottom would die.
It was horrible but I was under the
impression from the doctors that it
would give Baby Top a better chance.
Several hours later I found a little
foot when I went to the toilet. I was
so shocked, now I wished I had held it
but at the time I was just so shocked.
Several hours later the other foot
dropped on another toilet visit and
the midwife came in and helped me give
birth to my son, his placenta remained
with the cord clamped high. He was so
beautiful and I was so suprised to see
how much he looked like my husband.
His poor little feet and legs were
swollen with blood because they had
been hanging out, but he was so
perfect. I held him for hours and we
spent the night with him. When they
took him the mortuary the next morning
the cry that came from me was like
that of an animal.
I knew that I had to stay strong for
Baby Top, and so I tried hard not to
think about Baby Bottom, to be
positive and happy about Baby Top. The
week that followed is such a blurr,
lots of discharge that made me anxious
and that no-one had prepared me for,
several speculums because I was
feeling weird down there. But now
there was space in there Baby Top's
kicks felt just like butterflies.
At 22+1 I started getting contractions
and then started bleeding so was
transferred to tha labour ward. I was
not ready to lose another baby and
both myself and my husband were
convinced it was Baby Bottom's
placenta coming away. I lay down the
whole time holding Baby Top up to me
keeping him away from all the action
down there and I even passed some
placenta, but after 17 hours where the
last 2 hours had been contractions a
minute apart I started to get a little
hysterical. The midwife offered me
morphine and my husband wanted to know
if it would affect the baby. It was
then I knew that It didn't matter, the
baby was coming whether I liked it or
not. So I sat up and he was born half
an hour later. I found out later that
I had chorioamnioitis on both
placentas. I saw him between my legs
moving and I just couldn't watch my
baby die. My husband held him for the
first hour or so and I finally felt
like I could hold him. I so wish I had
held him straight from when he was
born but at the time I just couldn't.
I guess I was just protecting myself.
He was so beautiful, bigger that Baby
Bottom and had such a large ribcage,
little drops of water kept falling
from his nose and made him look like
he was crying. He had a Mona Lisa
expression, sometimes he looked so
happy and then he looked so sad.
We buried them in a natural burial
ground and planted a wild cherry tree
over their grave. The only time I saw
them together was when we picked them
up from the mortuary but their poor
little bodies had started to
decompose. Baby Bottom was the big
brother but he was so much smaller
than Baby Top.
Thankyou for listening, this was very
hard to write.
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