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I had experienced three years of
infertility before becoming pregnant
through our first round of IVF
treatments. We were absolutely
thrilled to be expecting, but our
fertility doctor kept
stressing "cautious optimism". At our
6 week ultrasound, we found out that I
was carrying twins - we had
transferred two embryos so we knew
that was about a 25% chance. At the
7.5 week ultrasound, we saw three
heartbeats. One of the embryos had
split into identical twins. I knew I
could not carry three babies, and in
addition, the identical twins were
monoamniotic, which put the entire
pregnancy at greater risk. We made
the very difficult decision to reduce
to one. At twelve weeks, we had CVS
done on the two placentas and both
results came back normal. At fourteen
weeks we had the reduction performed,
and found out that we were expecting a
baby boy. It seemed like everything
would be OK after that point. At
seventeen weeks, I started spotting.
My OB did an u/s and the baby looked
OK but there was "debris" over my
cervix. At my level II ultrasound a
week later, the baby looked perfect,
but I was still spotting and the peri
said that she could see "debris" over
my cervix. At 19 weeks 2 days, I woke
up in the middle of the night to a
gush of fluid. I had to wait until
morning to go in to see the OB, who
did an u/s and saw that the baby
looked fine but my cervix was "a
mess". He sent me to the peri, who
did another u/s and determined that
one of the reduced fetuses was in my
cervix and was going to be delivered.
She admitted me to the hospital on
full bedrest, and I laid there until I
delivered the fetus two days later at
19w4d. For about four blissful hours,
I had no contractions and no spotting
and it seemed like everything was
going to be OK. Then I started
bleeding bright red. The OB thought
that it was similar to the type of
bleeding that women have after a
normal delivery. Two days later, I
saw the peri, and she diagnosed me
with a partially abrupted placenta. I
was discharged from the hospital the
next day, at 20 weeks, on full
bedrest. A week later I saw the peri
for a re-check and she said that my
fluid level was down to 3. She then
suggested that I could be induced.
Next she did a cervix check and found
that the second reduced fetus was in
my cervix and said that I needed to be
hospitalized again because I was down
to 1 cm in cervical length and I was
going to deliver the second one. I
was readmitted and laid there for four
days before having another u/s, where
they found that my cervix had
lengthened again and decided I should
go home. The next week, I had my
fetal echo, at 22w1d - the results
were fine. At that time, the peri
discovered that I had no fluid at all,
and started discussing termination.
It was a dr. I had never seen before,
and he sent us home with no plan.
After going home and talking to my
husband's cousin, who is a doctor,
about what we should do next, we
decided to ask for a second opinion.
We went back the next week and met
with a different peri, who had no
better news for us, but made sure that
we understood every possible option
and outcome and that all of our
questions were answered. She also
made an appointment for us to meet
with a neonatologist and tour the
NICU. She had us return to meet with
her a few days later to make our
decision, which was at the 23w3d
point. After talking to the
neonatologist, we decided not to
terminate, but instead to wait until
24w5d for hospitalization and to start
steroid injections. If he was born
before that point, we would not
resuscitate and I would deliver at the
local hospital. I had not gone into
labor at that point though, so I was
admitted to the maternal special care
unit at the children's hospital of
large academic medical center. I was
settling in for a long stay - I was
hoping to be there for at least six
weeks and there was no sign that
anything was happening. I got the
steroid shots and reached the 25 week
point. It seemed like all was calm,
however two days later I woke up at
1AM and realized that I was having
regular contractions. I called the
nurse and she set me up on the
monitors and quickly determined that
he was having decels after every
contraction. She started flooding me
with fluid through my IV and hooked me
up on oxygen. The doctors were called
in and did an ultrasound to see if he
was still breech (I knew he was
because his kicks hadn't moved). They
then moved me down to labor and
delivery, where they decided very
quickly that he needed to be delivered
by c-section because he was in
distress. It all happened very
quickly and just seems surreal. I
called my husband at the point that
they decided that I need to go to L&D,
but we live over an hour from the
hospital and he did not get there
until the c-section surgery was almost
over. Our beautiful baby Benjamin
Oliver was born and whisked away to
the NICU team. After a few minutes
the neonatologist came to tell me that
his lungs were not developed and that
he wouldn't make it, but they wanted
me to be able to hold him while he was
still alive. I was so numb I couldn't
even cry at that point. I held him
and his lip moved a little and he just
smelled like baby. A few minutes
later he was still. I continued to
hold him until I started to shake
because of the surgery, and then one
of the nurses took him and held him
close to my face. I had a blanket
that I started to use while I was on
bedrest. We wiped our tears with it,
and it comforted me. I took it to the
hospital with me and after Benjamin
was born, I asked one of the nurses to
have it brought down from my room.
They wrapped him in it and that is how
we held him. My husband arrived just
as they were finishing the surgery and
the nurse met him outside the delivery
room and told him what happened and
then another nurse handed Benjamin to
him after he got in the room. It was
then that I started to cry. My
husband carried him to the recovery
room, and we were able to hold him for
about four hours until we were ready
to let go. The bereavement nurse took
him for a little while and took
photographs and also made impressions
of his hands and feet, and took his
footprints and handprints. They gave
us a memory box filled with the little
gown he wore along with the cap and
bracelet and a few other mementos. He
was just so tiny that he didn't have a
chance - he only weighed 14 ounces.
At an ultrasound two days before he
was born they estimated his weight at
one pound seven ounces, which gave us
some hope. But the lack of fluid
makes those measurements less
accurate. Our sweet Benjamin Oliver
was in our arms for just moments but
he will be forever in our hearts.
Tomorrow we are picking up his ashes
at the funeral home and we will take
him to our favorite beach when I am
physically healed enough to walk in
the sand.
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