Hope was the only thing I had at 19+1
when I was rushed to the Emergency
Room and told my membranes had
ruptured. My doctor was on vacation
and yet stayed on the phone with me
throughout the early hours of the
morning to help assess the situation
and set my expectations: "nothing
positive will come of this." She
further prepared me by saying that I
would probably go into labor within 24
hours. The next day I was discharged
and met with the perinatologist who
also said I had less than 5% chance of
making it to 24 weeks (when the baby
would be viable). He suggested
terminating the pregnancy, but my
regular doctor did not and my husband
and I decided to let nature take its
course.
For more than 2 weeks my baby held on
with a strong heartbeat and absolutely
no fluid. I spent each day in bed
drinking as much water as I could
stand, keeping gallon jugs next to the
bed to make sure I didn't miss even
one ounce. We had 2 Dr visits during
this time and there was never any
fluid. He looked so trapped, but that
heart kept going at 150 bpm.
Then at 21+4 he was gone. Two days
earlier I felt something inside me -
it kind of felt like a tampon. I
thought it was the cord and called the
Dr; she said to come to the office
first thing in the morning. The
sonogram showed his heart still
beating at 50 bpm... it wasn't the
cord; rather it was his legs. He was
lying on his back in the womb and both
legs had slipped through my cervix (I
had actually touched his toe the night
before thinking it was the cord). I
was devastated and the Dr checked me
into a hospital room knowing that I
would go into labor very soon. For
two days, his heart continued at 150
bpm and the night before he passed I
asked the nurse to bring the doppler
to my room so I could listen to his
heartbeat, still strong, and I went to
sleep on my head with legs in the air
since the only force I could count on
was gravity. The next morning his
heart had stopped and later that day I
gave birth to my son.
I remember that one of the strongest
emotions I felt in the following weeks
was anger at myself for being "so
naive". As I reflected on everything
that had happened I felt like a
complete idiot to have believed that I
could beat the odds in such an
impossible situation. But the thing I
want to share with anyone that
experiences such pain and heartache is
that HOPE is absolutely what gets you
through it. Without it, I never would
have tried so hard and bonded so
strongly with my son before I lost
him. I got to see his personality and
realized that he was quiet yet
determined, just like his mommy. I am
so thankful for that time with him.
Even my Dr was amazed at how far we
made it given the situation.
One final note: be very careful about
infection that follows rupturing of
membranes. I was completely
asymptomatic, but when my placenta was
sent to pathology the results showed
it was full of infection. My Dr said
I was dangerously close to needing a
hysterectomy.
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