The baby was 15 weeks 6 days on sept
3rd when this all started. I had a
very normal pregnancy up until this
point. No bleeding no problems
whatsoever. It was so unexpected.
3:00am I woke up with some non
descript stomach pain, just felt like
I needed to go to the bathroom, I peed
and then was trying to go #2 when I
felt a pop, felt like a baloon popping
and I felt a warm rush of liquid, I
knew my water broke. I was rushed to
the emergency room where it was
confirmed that it was indeed amniotic
fluid. I was crying hysterically from
the time it happened until I was
laying dow in the ER. Saying please
let my baby be ok, please. I was put
laying down with my feet in the air
and my head reclined downward. I had
an ultrasound. The baby looked ok and
had a very strong heart beat but there
was barely any fluid left. I had an IV
started with fluids and had to have a
catheder put in because my bladder did
want to drain properly. I was put on
strict bed rest for 3 days in the
hospital. we were told the chance of
the baby living were not good. but if
the fluid replenishes and the hole in
the bag of waters closes up, if I
don't get an infection and if the
babies heart keeps beating then we may
have a chance. we were also told that
if the amniotic fluid does not build
back up around the baby and it still
makes it long enough to be delivered
and live it will most likley have
breathing problems and physical
disabilities. This is because without
the fluid there is no room for the
babies developing lungs and ribs to
practice breathing motions, and
because the joints and muscles will
not be able to move without the fluid
and will not develop properly. I was
so hopefull and trying really hard to
help this baby hang on, I hadn't met
our baby yet but I already loved him
sooo much and the thought of loosing
him was really hard!I was then
discharged from the hospital to lay
around my house and hope for the best.
On the 6th I was readmitted to the
hospital with severe abdominal pain,
an ultrasound was done which found out
the cause of the pain was not related
to the baby, of all things to happen
now it was gallbladder stones which I
didn't even know I had, flaring up. I
spent the night in the hospital AGAIN
and was discharged later the next
morning. So after a quiet day at home
on the 7th recovering from my
gallbladder pain, around 7:30pm I went
to the bathroom and felt some wierd
pressure, I reached up to feel and
felt something in my vagina, it was
the baby's foot. I just kept saying
no, I want my baby to live, please no.
My mom called an ambulance and I was
again rushed to the hospital. My mom
called my husband to meet us there
because he was at work. When we got
there I was examined by the midwife
and we were told that the baby was
coming tonight. Jeremy and I cried
like we never had before because we
knew our baby was not old enough to
live. I was told that I would have to
push my baby out, even if he still had
a heartbeat because he could not live
halfway out of my uterus. I was only
dialated 2 cm so the midwife had to
put her hand in and push open my
cervix so that his head could come
out. about an hour later our little
boy was brought into the world. He
never took a breath but he was so
loved by us and all of our family.
After he came out the nurses handed
him to me wrapped in a blanket. My
husband was standing next to me and we
were both crying. He was a big boy
measuring 8 inches from head to feet.
He was perfect in everyway, ten
fingers and ten toes, beautiful little
face, just too young for this harsh
environment. We got to hold him for
about two hours that night. We named
him Gabriel Michael Chase. The next
morning we spent a little bit more
time holding our baby for the last
time before we said goodbye and headed
home to start the long journey of
physical and emotional healing. Right
now Jeremy and I are really sad, we
are now parents to our little Gabriel
and I know we will see him again one
day in heaven but right now it seems
like such a long time to wait.
Here is a poem I wrote 1 week after
gabriel was born.
For my first born Son, Gabriel Michael
Chase Steinke
I was pregnant
You were the life growing inside my
tummy
Even though you were unexpected you
were one of the best things to ever
happen to me
You were something I have always
wanted
Joy filled my heart at the thought of
you
and yet we will not be together
anymore on this earth
You were supposed to come into the
world with baby fat and a tuft of baby
hair on your head, crying to be held
and fed
Your birthday was supposed to be a day
of joy, but for us only sadness and
loss on the day you were born and the
day you fell asleep for the first and
last time on this earth
Giving birth to you and knowing that
you were going to die when you entered
the world was the hardest thing I have
ever had to do.
The pain my body felt did not compare
to the pain of my breaking heart
Every push was agony knowing that I
was bringing you closer to your
death
I held your little body as the warmth
left you and a part of my heart
died
You were so small, so helpless, so
absolutely beautiful
When I looked into your small face I
was amazed because I saw what could
have been
You would have been the perfect
addition to our family
I loved you before you were born but
the moment I saw you I loved you again
more fiercely than I knew was
possible
I love you because you are a part of
me
I love you because you are a part of
your amazing daddy Jeremy
I love you because you are my son
I am so sorry for how your short life
ended, I did my best to keep you safe
as long as I could, and I would have
done so much more if it meant you
would be here with us now
I am sorry you didn't get to know your
daddy, because he loves you just as
much as me and he is the best dad in
the whole wide world
He would have been your best buddy and
the ultimate lego partner
I miss knowing you are growing safe in
my tummy,
I was never alone when you were with
me but now I am without you
My hopes and dreams for you were
shattered that night and my job as a
mommy was taken away from me
My arms ache to hold you, my lips to
kiss your tiny cheeks
I wish things were different, I wish
you were still here with us
Even though I never got to see you
smile, comfort you when you cried or
change your diaper I miss you, I miss
you so much
I will never forget you my sweet baby
boy
I will hold you in my heart until we
meet again
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