Like many of you, I also found comfort
and hope in this site, and looked
forward to posting a green story, and as
a week and two passed I started feeling
positive and really believed we might
make it.
Anyway to start from the beginning.
My pregnancy was going well, although I
was a little anxious due to a previous
miscarriage at 12 weeks, which was not
PROM related and I had two very heavy
bleeds with it before I finally lost the
baby. With this one, I had a tiny bit of
spotting 2-3 times before 12 weeks but
was told this was fairly common, so not
to worry.
Then at 16 weeks 4 days, I went to the
toilet to pee and felt a gush of liquid
at the same time and when I got up there
was another slight gush which made it
clear this was not pee, as I could not
contain it. I went to bed immediately
and called the hospital. They said I
could come that evening but they could
only speculate whether it is loss of
amniotic fluid and it was best to go for
a scan the following day. The scan
showed that I had a tiny single pocket
of fluid left but the baby had a strong
heartbeat. The prognosis we were given
was very poor, and the termination
unequivocally was to terminate, even if
we were told that they could not force
us to, but we must know about the risks
of infection and risk of baby dying or
being very impaired. One doctor
mentioned 1% and another 0.001%. We felt
we could not do that, but I still
hesitated in my mind wondering if I
might ruin any chances of ever having a
baby, for a non-existent chance, but
just to have the clear conscience of not
stopping that tiny heartbeat...
During that time I started reading on
the Internet and found this site, which
made me stronger in my conviction that
we were doing the right thing, it helped
that my husband felt the same way.
Also, we went to see a private doctor in
Harley Street, who was the first one to
make us feel better, in so far that he
felt that our decision not to terminate
was reasonable, and that the chance of
infection is quite low, because in 1/3
of PROMs, there is an associated
infection but in those cases,
miscarriage would usually happen within
3-5 days. He did say however that risk
of neonatal death is about 80% with PROM
at 16 weeks, if we do manage to carry
the pregnancy to viability. He also said
that bedrest does not make any
difference, even if I hook myself to the
ceiling upside down, and this was a
relief to hear as I had a new job (this
happened on the 3rd day of me starting
and I had not told them I was pregnant)
but also because I was finding it
upsetting in hospital and felt I needed
the distraction if I was to stay
positive. None of the doctors in fact
said that bedrest would make a
difference, although they said there was
no evidence, while this one was adamant
it didn't. anyway, I went back to work
(office based) and in the evenings and
weekends I lied in bed, not very logical
I know, but just in case it helped
somewhat I wanted to do that.
The more time passed, the more I hoped,
I would put headphones on my stomach and
play baby songs and re-read again all
the green storied on this site, and then
the blue ones, to gather any information
that could help. Meanwhile the scans
still showed no fluid, and once a small
pocket. Then at 20 weeks, on the weekend
while I was in bed, I felt what might
have been slight contactions or
pulsation in my belly and I have been
having some tummy pain, so I worried a
lot but tried to lie still and ignore
it, and then slept. The next morning I
was feeling fine and relieved, but
towards the evening I went to to toilet,
and while they I could feel that
something is not quite right, and I
could feel something, which felt like a
little foot, although it was quite high
and I could just feel the shape with my
finger. I freaked and we went straight
to hospital. In fact I remembered
reading one of the stories where this
happened, although it was a whole limb,
and thought at the time what a nightmare
that would be...
Well, from there on, there was no going
back, and I had to be induced because
although I was only very slightly
delated, the inevitable had started. The
baby's heartbeat was still strong and I
felt very anxious about the baby being
distress with the foot out. I was given
a drip which was supposed to make
contractions happen sooner. We were told
that at that age there was absolutely no
chance, and yet we kept asking but
wouldn't they try at least to help the
baby, would they just let it die if it
was still breathing, and they said it
will only be prolonging the inevitable.
It took 2 days before the baby came out,
and all that time I was painfully aware
of his foot, luckily I could not feel it
which would have been even worse. He
fought so hard our little boy, the
heartbeat was there until the night
before the delivery but the stress of
the contractions was too much with part
of him being stuck out already...Words
cannot describe who devastated we felt
when we saw him. He was a little bruised
especially the legs, but he was perfect
and even looked like his daddy - the
chin, the lips, and especially the
longish and athletic little body. I
always knew I wanted to see him, and
this was definitely the right thing for
us, and it gave us some comfort,
although it broke my heart to see my
husband carry him around and singing to
him, and telling him of all the things
he would have liked to do with him.
It has been two days since then, and
everyone says be strong and positive, it
will happen next time, it was not meant
to be, and I am sure I would be saying
the same thing to friends, but although
I am scared about other pregnancies
after this experience, my grief is about
this little boy whom I would never know,
they are so unique and he was already
his own person with his distinctive
features, and it is him I miss, not just
having and holding a baby.
I agree with many here that having
momentos, and photos and being able to
hold him, make things a little easier,
and I would recommend that.
It is hard not knowing what might have
caused this, and I wonder if anything
could have been different, if bedrest
might have helped carry him a few weeks
longer, or if having highlights 5 weeks
ago might have been harmful...
I know I should not feel guilty but I
cannot help feeling that I have failed
him. He was perfect and healthy and
fought so hard, yet I could not provide
him with the protection he needed, my
body was at fault. which is why I am
finding it harder to come to terms with
than my husband. Perhaps it is his
religion that helps as well, we had a
priest come for a blessing and he was
able to pray while I sat there with my
head down...hoping he did not suffer,
hoping he is better off. We felt
relieved that he was not alive when he
came out, as were were terrified we
would have to watch him die, but there
are times I wish he was just for a few
seconds so he could feel our touch and
love.
I would also say that we feel better for
giving him the chance to live, as it
makes it a bit easier in our grief, than
if we had to take the decision to
terminate, but I would understand those
that do, as the odds are quite tiny,
particularly with almost complete lack
of fluid as was my case, and it must be
so much harder to last another 6-8-10
weeks and then lose the baby anyway.
We will never forget him, our little boy
Leon. And even if we could not take him
home, we know what it feels like to be
parents and feel that love.
I wish you, from the bottom of my heart,
that you will be posting a green story,
and will be able to hold and see your
baby grow.
|
|
