My pregnancy with Benjamin was our
12th pregnancy. We have 10 living
children (all healthy pregnancies,
except one due to listeria food
poisoning) and one early miscarriage.
We were very excited when we found out
we were pregnant. I tested on my
oldest son's 16th birthday. I spotted
at 6 weeks and then again at 8 weeks.
I had never spotted in any other
pregnancy.
On the morning of Nov. 19, my brother
and his wife had a baby boy. We went
to the hospital to see him and that
night I woke up in a puddle of water.
Lots of it. I knew my water had broke.
I was 16 weeks pregnant. I woke Steve,
my husband, who just thought I had
leaked some water and didn’t realize
the seriousness of what had happened.
I layed there all night waiting to go
into labor. I had some cramps but
nothing that felt like labor. In the
morning I called my midwife and she
said to come in for a visit and an
ultrasound. She met me at the door of
the clinic and told me to expect the
worst- the baby was probably dead. The
ultrasound showed very little fluid
and a live baby. I could see him
moving his arm. They could see
contractions on the screen also. My
midwife sent me home to miscarry. I
waited 10 days and the little guy was
still kicking. I went in for an
appointment with the perinatologist
and he gave me all of the grave and
very sad news. He did not encourage me
to terminate but he did tell me that
the baby had a small chance of
survival and gave me lots of
statistics. Aside from not having any
measurable fluid, Benjamin looked
fine. He measured right on and his
heart and everything looked good. He
was fighting for his life and so I was
going to make sure he had every
chance. I was on complete bedrest at
home and was very faithful about
staying in bed, which was not easy
with 10 other children to care for,
but they all pitched in and were very
helpful.
At 22 weeks, two days before
Christmas, I started to bleed very
heavily in the middle of the night. I
felt more liquid than I was normally
leaking and stood up and blood was
gushing out. We went in an ambulance
to the hospital and again, the little
guy was still kicking. I spent a few
nights there, spotting off and on. I
had had a placenta abruption. I came
home on bedrest again and a few days
later started to bleed heavily again.
I was back in the hospital and I could
see that the doctors did not have much
hope. One Dr. offered to induce labor
because we looked so tired and there
was not a very good chance our little
guy would make it. We could not do
that because there was a bit of hope
and we could not take that away. He
was just a week away from "viability".
So, I layed in the hospital for a few
days- knowing that this baby was
probably dying inside me. I could see
it on the Drs. and nurses faces and I
knew it in my heart. I came home again
on bedrest and I was so sad. I could
feel that Benjamin was slowing down-
not kicking as much. We spent our 17th
wedding anniversary eating lobster
brought over by a friend in our
bedroom- Steve at a little kid's play
table and me in my recliner.
On Thursday, January 4th right before
I went to bed, I felt Benjamin kick.
The next day we got up and went to the
peri for a check-up and we were
expecting to be told what we heard all
along - that he was still kicking
away - and we were anticipating being
given information for the hospital
stay which was to start at 24 weeks.
Instead after about an hour into the
checkup we were told that he had
recently passed away. I never for a
moment- since my water broke had much
hope for Benjamin to live but I never
thought that I would not meet him.
Steve and I were both shocked. Maybe I
should have not been so shocked but I
had pictured saying good-bye to him
many times- the Drs all said that he
could live for hours or maybe a couple
days and that there was a small chance
he would make it. I never pictured him
dead before I met him. The Dr. thought
it best that we induce because of the
placenta abruptions, I had a greater
chance of bleeding. We left the clinic
and drove around for hours. We decided
on the baby's name, planned his
memorial service and cried buckets.
The induction took over 2 days. I
normally have quick labors and even
had a baby in a van and here I was 2
days later still in the hospital
without one contraction. They gave me
a 24 hour rest from the induction. I
remained in the hospital and mostly
Steve and I spent that time crying and
mourning. It was a very special time
for us to be able to grieve so fully
together. Benjamin was born January 7,
2007 at 2pm. I only had one
contraction. The 7 weeks without fluid
were not kind to his body and the 2
weeks of being deprived of oxygen from
the placenta abruptions were not kind
to the shape of his head. He had a
rough journey and it was so obvious
just by looking at him. Our hearts
were broken. I started to bleed very
heavily about 10 minutes after he was
born and ended up going for a
D&C.
We held Benjamin again after the
surgery and said good-bye. We had a
beautiful memorial service for him and
buried him in our town's cemetery. We
are grateful that his suffering was
minimal and that he never knew
anything but his mother's warmth and
comfort, but at the same time, we
really wish we could have met him, if
only for a brief amount of time. He
is deeply missed.
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