Well it all started with missing taking
the pill one day (just one day!!). I
found out I was pregnant at 9 weeks
along - although rather shocked, I was
also very happy.
At 12 weeks I started to bleed, I went
to the hospital to find out what was
going on, here I was scanned and told
baby was ok, I was convinced I was
having a m/c. Anyway I continued to
bleed up until 23 weeks (this was very
stressful). In between this I had at
least two more what I would call large
bleeds, where each time I was
hospitalised for a week or so. It was at
a 16-week scan I was told my amniotic
fluid was very low, I must have been
leaking along with the blood…. this
really freaked me out, so I read up on
it and found this website, where
miracles do happen (just not to me…)
I managed to hold on to my baby until 37
weeks exactly, with very little fluid
throughout (I don’t think it ever went
above 2cm). I went into labour the day
before I was due to go in for a c
section anyway. My beautiful baby Ben
was born at 10am on the 5th July 2006,
weighing 7lb 15oz, he was perfect in
every way, except his lungs didn’t work,
he had what is called pulmonary
hypoplasia. They couldn’t get oxygen
into him; they worked on him, however he
died about ½ an hour after birth.
I held him all afternoon and took in his
face, gave him lots of kisses and
cuddles and told him that I was sorry
and that I loved him so much. I highly
recommend to anyone who loses a baby to
make sure they do this, as this is my
most treasured memory.
I still can’t get over how he was the
double of his older brothers and looked
so healthy. Knowing you have low fluid,
you try and prepare yourself for the
worst. However, when it happens, you
feel like a part of you has also died. I
don’t know how I will ever get over
this…. I have to though, for the sake
of my husband and other two children.
It’s the bizarre feeling of guilt that
is the worst – have I done something
wrong? Did I not want him enough? Am I a
bad person? Was he suffering inside me?
(This is the worst thought of all).
How could I go through the most
stressful of pregnancies, keep him
inside me for so long and then for him
to die – it is not fair (yes - I am at
the feel sorry for myself stage!) Sorry
to those who have been through far worse
than me, I know I should be grateful for
the kids I do have.
Anyway thanks for reading this, I really
hope that if you are going through the
same, your story has a different
ending.
An angel in the book of life wrote down
our baby's birth, and whispered as she
closed the book... too beautiful for
earth"
Lyndsay Hayhurst
Mummy to Max (5), Jack (2) & Angel
Ben.
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