I’ve often heard people say that
something was a “defining moment” in
their life. I never really understood
how one could determine what defines
their life until it was all lived and
they were looking back... Now I know. I
just wish that we had some control over
the moments that shape our lives, rather
than just in the reactions and choices
we make in dealing with those
moments.
I don’t really know where to
start. Do you start with that moment
when you realize you have created
another life with the person you love
the most. Should I describe the months
previous to that when I did everything I
could to strength, train and feed my
body so that it would be a good home to
a tiny life that needed me to help it
grow strong enough to live in this
world. Needless to say - when that plus
sign finally appeared on that little
white stick (after 14 months of waiting)
I was incredulous. I remember thinking -
this is a test I was feeling I would
never pass. I’m finally in the club!!
We were finally pregnant with
our first child. After 12 months of
trying and 2 rounds of Clomid. We
started out happy, but tentative.
Friends had had miscarriages and
disappointments, we didn’t want to get
ahead of ourselves. My first 18 weeks
were relatively easy. I was hungry,
tired and very, very happy. It was like
an incredible drug, this growing of a
life. I loved to read what my body was
doing all by itself - all I had to do
was eat well, exercise and rest. It was
an incredible experience. Our first and
second ultrasounds were great. We were
having a health, beautiful baby girl.
There was little chance of genetic
problems and she was the perfect weight
and size. Everything was great.
Christmas was so exciting. We
shared our news with family and friends.
The expectations and excitment helped to
make it all the more real. Parents
becoming grandparents, children becoming
parents. Roles changing, lives evolving.
My mom came up for a visit and love,
advice, excitment and support were all
offered to her growing daughter. It
brought some hope to a family that had
been suffering from fear (past family
health problems). I had no idea, amongst
all the excitement how much my life was
going to change.
There was a set back at 20
weeks. I started getting a pain in my
left side. It came and went on Tues.
Most people told me it was ligaments
stretching, as I was starting to show
more. By Thursday I called Telehealth
and they told me to head to the ER.
After 8 hours of waiting and many
different theories, we had an
ultrasound. Everything looked great.
There was our beautiful girl, squirming
around. I could feel her kicking and the
ultrasound showed her little feet
pushing up against my belly.
They were inconclusive on what
was causing me tremendous pain and told
me to go home and take Tylenol. I was
hysterical. We ended up heading down to
L&D of the Women’s College, where they
told me one of my fibroids had
deteriorated. It would not impact my
pregnancy. They gave me Tylenol with
codeine,which I took for 24 hours, until
I could stand the pain again.
Two weeks later, everything was
going well, so we were off to Ottawa to
visit family. Thurs. night when I went
to the bathroom I noticed a lot of mucus
(which I now guess was my mucus plug).
On my drive down I was feeling really
full and a bit crampy. On Sat. we walked
around Ottawa. I was still feeling light
cramps and trying to go to the bathroom
alot. My panties were a bit wet when I
went for an afternoon nap. When my
husband woke me up ( we were off to the
Senator's NHL game) I got up and water
rushed down my leg. I ran to the toilet
and tons more rushed out. When I stood
up to get my husband the last of it ran
to the floor.
We rushed to the Ottawa General
hospital and headed up to L&D. At this
point I was nervous, but not terrified.
I had no contractions, no blood and I
could still feel my little girl moving.
They checked my cervix,which was closed,
and tested to see if my membrane had
ruptured, it had. The doctor explained
that if I could make it to 24 weeks (I
was 21wks 2 days) there was a 50-50
chance of survival and a 10% chance of
normal development. They outcome was not
good.
They put me on antibiotics and
monitored me the Saturday night and I
went home on the Sunday for 2 days to
see if the amniotic fluid would
regenerate. Those 2 days were painful
and difficult. I could still feel my
baby moving, but now it felt like she
was riping my insides out with her. My
husband could really feel her move
because there was no firmness to my
belly now. I didn’t know how long I
could take the ache in my heart, and the
ache in my stomach. Monday she was
moving around a lot. Tuesday morning I
could not feel her at all.
I never got an infection, or
went into labour. My ultrasound on the
Tuesday showed no heartbeat. She was
gone. They induced labour at 1:30 pm and
I gave birth to my beautiful 1 pound
girl at 4:59 on Valentine’s day. My
husband and I named her Trista. We got
to hold her and tell her how much we
loved her. We felt so proud, and yet
holding her as a family after labour was
the most heartbreaking moment of my
life. It was not how you imagine the
moments after delivery to be.
We have many supportive family
and friends. My husband has been
amazing, however two weeks later I still
feel so very sad and alone. I’m beyond
living every minute of the birth, and
now I can’t quite figure why I’m crying.
I just feel so heartbroken.
I have done a lot of research on
fibroids and pPROM and there doesn’t
seem to be a correlation between them,
however my OBGYN recommends removing
them (they are only 3-5cm in size, not
large really). The risk is a
hysterectomy. I am terrified to lose my
uterus, and terrified to try again.
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