I lost my daughter Tatianna Alexis on
December 28, 2005 at
3:55 PM at 18 weeks gestation to PROM.
My water broke at 10:30 AM Christmas
morning and I was rushed to the
hospital. Since I was out of town
visiting family for the holidays, I
was advised to stay off my feet, drink
as much fluid as possible, and return
home ASAP. I was given a small glimmer
of hope that my baby may survive. I
returned home 2 days later, and after
multiple ultrasounds were done, I was
told that my daughter had no fluid
around her and that her kidneys
weren't functioning well enough to
regenerate the lost fluid. I over
heard one of the ER doctors mention a
procedure called amnioinfusion that
was going to be attempted, but after
the ultrasounds, they declined to even
try to procedure. They gave my
daughter a less than 1% chance of
survival. They basically told me that
she was suffocating because there was
no fluid around her, and that her
lungs would not develop properly from
the lack of fluid.
I was advised to terminate the
pregnancy. I was heartbroken,
devastated and wanted to do whatever I
could to give my daughter a chance.
Before I left for my trip, everything
was fine with my baby. 2 days later,
my baby's heartbeat was very faint, if
audible, and she had no amniotic
fluid. I asked numerous second
opinions, and was given the same
outcome and advice..terminate. I could
not bear to take my child's life after
seeing her heartbeat and still feeling
her move inside me. I was induced into
labor at 11:30 AM after deciding to
end my baby's suffering and delivered
her stillborn at 3:55 PM on December
28, 2005. She was 6 inches long and
weighed 10 ounces. She looked just
like her father. I held her for hours,
sang to her, cried, kissed her and
told her how much I loved her. Then I
gave her to the nurse and said my
final goodbye.
After coming home from the hospital, I
researched what happened to my
daughter, and was shocked to find that
there were other procedures that could
have been done to give my daughter a
chance at survival, but I was not told
about them. I'm not even sure the
doctors knew about them. It has been
very hard since my daughter's death. I
sometimes blame myself, and even my
fiance blames me sometimes. I don't
know if the amniocentisis I had caused
my PROM, or if my BV infection had
something to do with it. All I know is
that my baby is dead, and I have no
clear-cut reason, and the doctors did
not do everything possible to save my
daughter's life. We discussed a
lawsuit, but after conferring with an
attorney, it was determined that I did
not have a basis for a malpractice
case or even a wrongful death case.
Tomorrow will be one month since my
princess was born to heaven. I still
feel that someone or something else
was responsible. People have been
telling me "It was God's plan",
and "Everything happens for a reason."
I am so sick of hearing that. I am
also fed up with hearing "Oh, you're
young...you can always have more
kids", like my daughter is just a
number or something. She was my baby!
I still have a lot of anger, hurt,
bitterness, sadness, guilt, and other
emotions. I desperately want to be
pregnant again, NOW, and my fiance
does too. I haven't even had a normal
cycle yet, but we are trying, and
people are bashing me for that too. I
am angry that God took my daughter,
yet allowed 2 of my cousins to carry
their baby girls and give birth to
them in the next few months. I avoid
them at all costs. I have my good days
and bad days, and lately, I have been
very sad, missing my little girl.
Maybe God took her from me because I
wanted a daughter too badly. Maybe he
felt I didn't deserve to have a
daughter. Maybe God felt that my
gender hang-ups were the wrong reasons
to bless me with a daughter. I don't
know why my daughter was taken from
me, but my arms are empty and long to
hold her, see her smile, smell her,
kiss her, and love her.
Every night, I talk to my baby, and
ask her to ask God to bless mommy with
another special princess like her. I
tell her how empty my life is without
her, even though I have her brother
and love him dearly. I feel incomplete
without a daughter in my life. I have
no one to share all the
mother/daughter things with, and I
feel like I am missing out. Am I being
selfish? Am I wrong for my feelings?
Others seem to think so.
Thanks for letting me share my
story.
Andrea
Tatianna Alexis Born to Heaven
12/28/05 at 18 weeks gestation due to
PROM
Jayden Anthony-Maliq 3 years old!!
12/26/02
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