Ember Rae Doerr: This is her
story>After giving birth to my son on
March 7th 2005, it was a big shock to
find out i was pregnant again not even
2 months later..We were so excited to
get the news. They would have been
like twins so close in age. I was so
happy to know they would have each
other to play and grow with. My
daughter 7 years old never had that,
and i always felt bad she didnt have
that sibling to grow up with. I wasnt
sure but had a feeling something wasnt
right with this pregnancy, never
dreamed something like prom would
occur, just thought i would maybe end
up on bedrest i was extremely wore out
at the end of the day. But a baby and
a 7 yr old, housework and everything
that goes along with it can do that to
you. almost 6 months preg i just
thought the next three months are
gonna get difficult, i always felt she
was very low compared to other two
pregnancies but the dr had no concern,
and she was breech at the time of my
sono..no concern there either. I guess
things worry us more then the dr's.
Everything was going along normal..no
pains no bleeding NOTHING..so when i
ruptured, i could not belive
it...Because my water didnt break with
my other two children, when i first
noticed a leak i automatically assumed
it was a leaky bladder. We had just
finished decorating outside for
halloween me and my husband and my
daughter and the kids in the
neighborhood were all outside. I felt
a trickle and said to my husband that
this is strange, i felt like it was my
bladder but had NO control. Went
inside sat on the couch and my
daughter was acting silly as usual
making me laugh and at that point the
pressure and the amount of water i
lost was extreme, i bursted!! ran
upstairs to the bathroom shaking and
trying to keep it together, fighting
the tears i did not want to scare my
daughter and the other kids that were
here. Called my husband up, dont think
he even knew what to expect, but i
did. I knew it was the begining to
the end of my little one. Feeled with
such saddness i was terrified of what
was to come once we did get to the
hospital. The next two days i dont
even think i was breathing, everything
to seemed to be such a blur and a part
of me just wanted it to be over.
Please dont get me wrong i never
wanted to let go of my baby but i knew
it was a matter of time and i felt
like it was a waiting game, a game
that i had already lost. I just
wanted to go home and hug my son and
my daughter. Was i in denial that i
could go home and pretend this never
happened??I think so. Oct 9th 6:30 am,
i felt the urge to go to the bathroom
and i could'nt use a bedpan to do
that, so like a stupid fool i got up
and that is when she was born, born
into this world in a toilet. I blame
myself everyday for getting out of
bed, had i stayed in maybe it wouldnt
of happened. God please help me to
forgive myself for what i had done. I
think i will forever blame myself.As
the dr's and nursing rush in my room i
remember looking at my husband and the
terror and saddness in his eyes i will
never forget. Watching while im
standing over the toilet with our baby
girl connected to me. The crazy part
of it all was i dont think they even
realized it was the baby. They were
about to put me back into bed and i
said you cant she is here what about
the baby, i heard the nurse say its
the fetus.They took her immediately
and next thing i know the dr comes in
and said they cant save her. Her lungs
are not developed enough but she is
alive and would i like to see her.
WOW is this really happening or is it
a nightmare..please someone wake me
up!!!!I was so scared to see her. My
first reaction was no i cant handle
that, i cant see her!!They told me she
was beautiful and that there was
nothing to be afraid of. Thank God
for giving me the strengh to hold
her. The next hour me and my husband
held and kissed her. Watching her
little heart beat, she had eyelashes,
little fingernails, perfect little
baby. She looked just like my
husband. Her ears, the shape of her
mouth, amazing she was just perfect.
It was almost like her heart was
glowing i could see it thru her
chest. I remember thinking everything
is perfect with her>>>WHY cant they
fix her lungs.Her heart is so strong.
I would give anything to have our baby
girl stay with us, i wish i could
breath for her. Ember stayed with us
for 1 1/2 hours. She died in her
daddy's arms while i was in surgery.
He later told me he watched as her
heart slowly began to stop until
finally it would beat no more. She
went peacefully with no pain. I am so
happy she had her daddy to hold her
while she went to
heaven.
My
heart aches everyday, i long to have
her near. My tears only stop for a
short while, i think they are here to
stay. I have 2 beautiful children
that i thank god for everyday, but one
child could never replace another and
i dont know how to move on. I joined
this in
hope of finding some peace. Through
others words i hope i can draw
strengh. At times i feel like i'm
going crazy and i cant talk to anyone
anymore. My family and friends have
been through this every step of the
way and i think they like to believe
i'm doing well so i dont want to let
them down. My husband is also trying
to heal and i feel like their is
nothing lefted to say. We have spent
endless hours talking and crying with
each other and i dont want to bring
him down if he is having a good day.
I'm still stuck in this painfull,
hurting place. Reading other stories
helps me though for some time i felt
like i was the only women in the world
going through this pain.My prayers are
with you all and i hope God blesses
you with they children you want. To
those who have lost my heart breaks
for you and for those who are trying
again my prayers are with you. I
would like to share a poem my husband
wrote and read at the memorial
service.....
So little time we had with you!But
during that short time your beauty
shown through. Your wonderful little
face and your tiny little hands. Why?
God,Why? we didnt understand. We
seen your tiny little heart beating in
your chest and its now in our hearts
where we'll remember you
best.
So little time we had to hold you
near. Now we know that is Jesus that
holds you my dear. Your soul now
rests peacefully in the most wonderful
place, Please God Please give her a
kiss from her mommy and me on her
face. Your memory will always live
strong in our home. We will always
picture you at different stages of
your life healthy and
grown.
So little time, the minutes should
of been years, God give of the
strength through the sorrow and the
tears. Even though it hurts, we are
Thankful for the time God gave us with
you. One day we'll walk hand-in-hand
in heaven and you can show us all the
through. We try to picture it now,
what a glorious day. Until then we
will miss you and we love you!!Our
beautiful little girl, Ember Rae!In
loving memory of Ember Rae Doerr
10-09-05
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