We tried to get pregnant by IVF,
implanted three embryos, and were
successful the first time. Embryo C
implanted but never showed viability.
Embryo A had a heartbeat for two weeks
but spontaneously aborted. I never
passed these dead embryos and was told
they would reabsorb. Embryo B
continued to thrive.
At 16 weeks, I spontaneously ruptured,
but I didn't go to the doctor's
because I thought I was wetting
myself. A week later I was on bedrest
and fluids, hoping that the rupture
would heal itself. When it did not
heal, we tried a large IV fluid push,
which seemed raise my fluid level
temporarily. My AFI was 2-3
throughout the rest of the pregnancy.
We saw a perinatologist, who
recommended termination. That is not
for us to decide, but for God. I
could only do everything possible for
my baby. We went to NYU to see a
doctor who might be able to patch the
rupture. Since he had not had luck
with spontaneous ruptures, we were
advised against the procedure. I
spent 10 days in the hospital on IV
fluids and observation. My body got
used to the IV fluids (equilibrium
state), and it did not help the AFI
numbers. Since I didn't show signs of
labor or infection, I was allowed to
go home. I got a hospital bed at home
to help elevate my hips, and bloodwork
weekly to check for infection. At
week 24, I received the course of
steriods to help my little girl's
lungs develop. As my girl continued
to grow, I was leaking more and
more.
At week 26 and 6 days, I started to
bleed. The placenta was pulling away
from the uterine wall. My doctor
decided it was time to try my baby
Anouk's lungs. We had a c-section,
and she was wisked away to NICU. They
tried a normal and oscillator
respirator on her. They needed to
push oxygen into her at such pressure
that they blew a hole in her lung, and
she needed a chest tube to relieve the
air in her chest. Her CO2 level in
her blood continued to rise, while the
O2 level continued to fall. She was
not stable enough to transport to a
hospital that had both regular and
oscillator respirators combined, and
her O2 level had fallen to 20%. Her
heartrate was falling, and her organs
were going to start failing. We
decided to take her off the respirator
and let her die in our arms. Anouk
had survived for 6.5 hours. I had
gotten to see her once in NICU while
she was on the respirator, from my
hospital bed, where I couldn't move or
get close to her to kiss her. And I
got to hold her when she died. I am
so sad I didn't get to hold her while
she was moving, when we could look
into each other's eyes, and my heart
breaks not to know the person she was
to become. I know this was God's
work, but I still wonder why.
Although He comforts me, I don't have
peace with it yet. I miss my little
girl desparately. The mothering
instinct is so great after birth, and
my empty arms ached so bad for weeks.
The support group at the hospital was
wonderful, donating items that I
needed for the funeral, and I thank
this website for helping to prepare me
for the possible loss of Anouk.
The pathology report on the placenta
showed no signs of infection. The
extra placenta was found from the
aborted embryos, but no extra fetal
material found. My doctor believes it
was the extra, dead embryos that
weakened the amniotic sac. It hurts
not to know the cause, as that would
determine our action plan for next
time. Ultimately, I have to know this
was God's will, and next time it will
be in God's hands as well.
To all those mothers on bedrest, keep
up the good work doing what you can
for your babies. The rest is in God's
hands.
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