It was a beautiful day (May 16, 1999)
the day my membranes ruptured. I was
just over 22 weeks and my husband, my 3
year old son and I were spending the day
working and gardening outside. I
remember feeling very wet to the point
of having to change my underwear. I sat
down on the patio and started crying
because it seemed like something was
wrong but I didn't know what. I didn't
leak any more that day so I then just
thought that maybe it was urine.
The next day I felt ok and everything
seemed pretty normal until the evening.
I started feeling a little crampy but I
still waited till the next morning to
call the dr. They had me come in
immediately. The first thing she did was
a sonogram. She told me that the baby's
heart looked fine but she didn't see
very much fluid. At this time, I had no
idea that something like this could even
happen. With my first pregnancy, my
water broke when I was full term and it
was very obvious! Well she confirmed
that my membranes ruptured and sent me
immediately to the hospital. To this day
I can't believe that they sent me there
all on my own. I was hysterical crying
the whole time and don't even know how
I made it. They checked me in right
away.
My husband had to come from work 2 hours
away so I was all alone for a while and
terrified! The peri affiliated with the
hospital came to see me and explained
what my "options" were. Although they
never came out and said it, I got the
impression that they thought it would be
best if I terminated the pregnancy. We
let them know that this wasn't an
option right away! Then they started me
on antibiotics and talked to me about
what to expect if we were going to go on
with the pregnancy.
I spent the next 8 days there on strict
bedrest. My baby went on the fetal
monitor about every 4 hours and they
also monitored me for contractions then
as well. I got two steroid shots to help
her lungs develop. They took blood every
morning to check for infection. I
basically had every expectation of
spending the entire summer in the
hospital. We were very worried about how
my son would handle it. I thought the
outcome would have been totally worth it
though.
Unfortunately my story doesn't have a
happy ending. I had an ultrasound
scheduled for the 26th. As soon as I
woke up in the morning, they took me
down right away. I was so excited! I
couldn't wait to see the baby. I was
also just so excited to be out of the
room for a little while. Well right away
the technician asked me if I felt the
baby move a lot. I told her sometimes so
much that it actually hurts! After just
a couple of minutes she stopped and went
to a phone. She then told me the dr.
would be in in a moment. I asked her
what was wrong but she just responded by
saying the dr. would be right there. I
still hadn't realized that the baby
wasn't moving. I realized that
something was wrong but I didn't expect
what the dr. then told me. He looked at
the screen for a couple of minutes and
then said he was very sorry but her
heart had stopped beating. She
compressed her cord.
Needless to say, the next 24 hours were
pure agony. I had to deliver her and it
was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Giving birth is supposed to be joyous
and this was hell! Women can endure the
pain of childbirth knowing what the
outcome is going to be. How do you
endure it when your child is dead? I
remember the dr. basically yelling at me
to stop crying if I wanted to be able to
do this. The first 15 minutes or so I
was just completely hysterical. Then,
somehow, I managed to calm down and push
her out.
She weighed 1.57 lbs. and was 12 inches
and we named her Hope Ann. The nurse
took her foot prints and my husband
asked if she could also take her hand
prints. At first I was afraid to even
look at her. She was in the breech
position and the nurse said her face got
a little damaged going through the birth
canal. My husband convinced me to see
her and I thank God that he had the
sense to do so! Now I just wish that I
would have held her longer and spent
time alone with her. I only held her for
a few minutes that day and then a little
while more the next day when the pastor
of the hospital came to bless her. It's
been a very hard year for us and we're
just now starting to think about having
another baby. Part of me still hates
just how unfair it is. I shouldn't have
to get pregnant again. I should have my
Hope with me! I miss her everyday and
love her so much.
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