I had a completely uncomplicated first
pregnancy and even this pregnancy was
going great despite getting really big
fast, we were excited about having ID
twin boys. It was a holiday here, so
we spent a couple of days at the beach
and I swam in two different oceans,
but couldn't find a shower the second
day and felt rather dirty until we got
home late that night, my water broke
the next day while sitting around at a
friends house- I called my doctor who
said to come in asap, she did a swab
and it looked like amniotic fluid, so
I was transferred by ambulance to a
big hospital with specialists nearby.
I thought something was strange
because when she did a quick
disinfecting of my vagina it stung
like hell- it never did before. When
we got to the hospital, I gushed out
fluid when I got in the examining
chair and I saw the nurses faces drop
so I knew it was pretty bad. The
expected me to go into active labor
soon and suggested I terminate.
My husband hadn't gotten there yet, so
this was horrible news to deal with by
myself and so suddenly- it was lucky
in a way that I had already had a c-
section because it made them think it
unsafe to give me anything to speed
delivery because of the scar tissue
which bought me a little time. When my
husband came, we went over it all, but
it was totally unbelievable that we
were given a blessing of twin boys by
chance and now we were going to lose
them. I didn't bleed or go into
contractions and they gave me
antibiotics because it looked like I
had an infection. Although they
couldn't tell anything from the
culture they took (flushed by amniotic
fluid) they were pretty sure I had
picked up an infection through the
vagina from somewhere because of my
irritation and high white blood cell
and blood protein count. Over the next
few days, my infection seemed under
control and the boys seemed so healthy
and fine in the ultrascans and doppler
checks everyday, after two weeks I
thought I had jumped a big hurdle as
we were getting closer to viability
for the babies (considered 22 weeks
here) but then a week after stopping
antibiotics I had been fighting a
yeast infection all week due to the
antibiotics and being wet all the
time, and the infection came back with
a vengeance.
(21 weeks, 3 days) It was probably one
of the saddest days of my life, saying
goodbye to Haylen and Connor- 2
beautiful innocent boys who just
couldn't survive a horrible infection
that when it came back a second time
on Saturday spiking my white blood
cell count and protein blood count
brought on a high fever and pain
followed by a horrible night and
cramps to contractions in the morning.
There was no choice but to go ahead
with the delivery that started
naturally at 21 weeks 3 days, because
my placenta was infected and there was
a good chance that any delay would be
a total hysterectomy as well as other
complications for me and it is just
too early to consider trying to save
the boys by waiting a few days (they
needed at least a month longer to
survive).
Labor was fast and furious and they
wanted to give me a c-section to
reduce the chance of complications but
they were fighting against the speed
of a natural delivery. I insisted on a
local (spinal tap) as opposed to
general anesthethia because i wanted
to be with it and have a chance to see
the boys when they came out and I was
glad I did- I was able to see how
beautiful they were and tell them I
was sorry and look forward to meeting
them again someday. The surgery was
very difficult according to my doctor,
because the uterus was small and
contracted. Felix (my first child) was
delivered by the same procedure in
less than 5 minutes at 40weeks, but it
took a half hour of what felt like
rumaging around for lost car keys in
my stomach before they were able to
get the boys out, then another hour to
clean and sew me up again. My body
went into shock as I did the last time
(due to the anesthethia and loss of
blood I have heard) so I was shaking
uncontrollably for the last 30
minutes, but they kept a close eye on
me and kept me warm and gave me lots
of oxygen. I actually felt a big
relief once I saw the boys- although
it was sad, there was a bit of closure
there and I feel like it was easier to
start putting this behind me somewhat.
I even made a joke as they x-rayed me
after surgery saying "that's to check
for scizzors left inside, isn't it?"
everyone laughed while my doctor gave
me a knowing look. Who says it doesn't
pay to watch a lot of medical dramas
on tv.
Back in my room after surgery was
hard, so tired and in pain from
surgery and so sad about the loss
which really came to the surface when
I saw Paul and realized how much they
looked like their dad- I encouraged
paul to look at the babies at least
and the staff brought them in again,
it was hard to look at them again, but
it meant alot to say good-bye to them
again with Paul. We then felt like it
was over when one of the nurses stayed
to explain our options for dealing
with the babies- we had no idea that
they wouldn't do something with them,
Paul was told to bring a box for them
and make arrangements, but in the
meantime the nurse said she would keep
them in the fridge, but if I wanted to
sleep with them she would bring them
back in for me! What?? Then she asked
if we had cute clothes to dress them
in and baby toys to pose them with for
a picture! What?? Later she brought me
a "birth congratulations" card with
their footprints on it. Nice to have
their footprints, but a bit
insensitive I thought to give me
the "congratulations" version. I am
hoping not to have too many more run
ins with her, it is scary- could this
really be the Japanese normal practice
for premature babies who die?
Couldn't sleep last night, too much
going on in my head, uncomfortable
from surgery and moon boots that
pulsate every 8 seconds to make sure I
don't get a clot kept me awake, but
Paul stayed up with me most of the
night holding my hand and comforting
me (Felix stayed over with friends)-
the boots are really annoying, glad to
hear they come off today as well as
the catheder (pee tube) so I get
toilet priveledges and I get to stand
up and walk around too- might be
painful, but it will be good to take
my first walk around the ward since I
got here.
I am feeling stronger and better about
getting back to life again, going home
and playing with Felix and spending
time with my husband is a wonderful
thing to look forward to- it seems
like its been an eternity. I feel
guilty that it is a relief that things
are over and I don't have to wait and
worry anymore in hospital hoping that
the boys will be okay, it is also a
relief that they weren't a couple of
weeks older and aren't in NICU on
death's door for the next 6 months
going through agonising surgeries and
complications- if this was going to
happen sometime, the timing is okay
the choice was made for me naturally
and so I am trying to accept it. The
doctors are doing more testing today,
but are pretty sure I wouldn't have
any problems if I try to get pregnant
again next year, but I can't really
think about that until the pain from
surgery and losing the boys
heals.
Please don't lose hope if you are now
going through pprom, there are plenty
of success stories and doing all you
can by waiting it out as long as you
can is worth it, I have cried a lot
and expect to cry a lot more but I am
lucky to have seen these beautiful
babies in action inside me and am
lucky to be recovering well and have
such a wonderful son and husband to go
home to. Our friends and family have
been so supportive these last few
weeks as well as the wonderful support
of the pprom e-mail list from this
site.
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