I found out i was pregnant in November,
about 2 months after I got married. We
were both scared and completely
excited.
Everything was fine until April 3,
2000, I was exactly 21 weeks. I was
having trouble sleeping and decided to
go to the bathroom. I knew something
was wrong as soon as I stood up. as I
could feel some wetness running down my
leg. Once I go to the bathroom, I
realized that I was bleeding and felt
something unusually large 'fall' from
me. I now know this was the mucus plug.
My husband called the doctor who was
thankfully on call, and off to the
hosiptal we went. I knew that bleeding
was a problem, but since this was my
first pregnancy, I had no idea the
seriousness of the situation.
After an internal exam, ultra sound,
and some blood work I was admitted.
Since I was bleeding so much, they
didn't know if my water was broken.
The ultra sound showed that I was just
a little low on fluid. Later that day,
after another ultra sound, they did an
amnio to test for infection as well as
injecting blue dye into the placenta.
The theory was that since I was
bleeding so much, they would insert
blue dye and a tampon. If the tampon
was blue I had ruptured.
Well sure enough, after two tampons, it
was blue. The doctor's came in to tell
me my options. Continue on bedrest and
hope for more fluid and no infection,
or end the pregnancy. We were given the
stat's of 50/50 survival if i could
make it to 24 weeks... ( i am sure you
have heard all of this before).
Unfortunately, both my husband and I
did not know that it is possible to
continue the pregnancy with a
successful outcome, and we signed the
papers to 'terminate'.
All that night and the next morning I
was having strong contractions and a
very sensitive stomache. It was
determined that I had an infection and
like it or not, they had to terminate
the pregnancy to save my life.
Thankfully, it was a relatively fast
delivery. I was induced with 2
prostaglandin inserts at 7:30pm and
delivered my sweet girl at 1:36am on
April 5, 2000.
It has been almost 6 weeks now and I
still can't stop crying and re-living
the two days over and over again. I
kept thinking that maybe I really
didn't have an infection and could
have continued the pregnancy, if only I
knew it was possible.
Looking back just two weeks ago, I
truly believe I was going crazy. I went
back to the doctor who told me that the
placenta was completely infected. This
is my only bit of sanity that I have. I
just know that if the doctor said that
I didn't have an infection, I would
not be able to live with myself.
This has changed every aspect of my
life. My heart is broken. I pushed my
husband away, and am not sure how to
love him anymore. I pray for my
daughter that she will forgive me
someday. I pray that I can love
beautiful husband again. I pray that
God will bless me with another child.
At this point I view myself as a
failure as a mother, wife, and woman.
I am sorry this is a sad posting, I had
not intended it to be.
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