It has now been 2 months 9 days since
my little Gabriel died. Saying that
this experience has been shocking or
unbelievable doesn't even begin to
describe my feelings!
After an uneventful FT pregnancy with
my daughter Emma Daniella, I never
expected to have any problems
delivering another healthy, FT baby. I
was so excited to find out that I was
pregnant again with Gabriel. Due on
August 18th this year, they would have
only been 18 months apart. I found out
I was pregnant and the end of last year
just before Christmas and thought of it
as my own little Christmas present from
God.
The next few months progressed
normally, feeling the tiredness of
pregnancy and with more morning
sickness than with my daughter, but
other than that very normal and
routine. I experienced very very light
spotting for a day or two in my third
month, so I called the doctor. Just to
be safe they had me come into the
hospital for an U/S which showed the
baby moving around fine with a good
strong heartbeat, so they said it was
nothing and sent me home. April came
and my DH and I were so excited to go
in and get another U/S done so we could
see our baby again. The apt. went
wonderfully with all the measurements
checking out just fine and we also
received the wonderful news that we
were expecting a baby boy. Not that we
desperately wanted to have a boy or
anything but knowing that we were
probably only going to have two
children and getting to experience both
a girl and a boy, we were thrilled!
A week later, after getting out of the
shower one evening, I noticed a few
drops of water fall to the floor. Not
thinking much of it, I continued to dry
off when I leaked again. This time I
knew something was wrong. My heart
leapt up into my throat and I just
stood there in disbelief. A few
seconds later water just started
gushing out of me so I wrapped a towel
around myself and went out to lay down
on the bed. After telling my husband
what had happened, he grabbed me and
our daughter and drove 80 mph to the
hospital. They did a couple of tests,
detected ferning from the fluid and
confirmed that my water had broken.
U/S examination found almost 0 fluid
around Gabriel and the ER doctor on
call gave us the grim facts. At 20w,
Gabriel's lungs had not had enough time
to mature in order to function outside
of the womb. They told us that there
was a 80% + chance that we would lose
him one way or another.
My husband and I spent that night in
the hospital in utter shock. How could
this happen when we had just had our 5
month U/S the week before and
everything had been perfect? We held
each other and sobbed almost the entire
night... it was definitely a
nightmare. The next day, the
perinatologist was a little more
optimistic and said that I could be one
of those few women whose bag reseals
with bedrest... so with a little more
hope in our hearts I checked into the
hospital. I spent the next 3 days on
complete bedrest (except to use the
restroom), but continued to leak little
by little even when I was laying flat.
Continued U/S scans showed no fluid
reaccumulation and they had the
neonatologist come in to give us the
grim statistics about babies born at
Gabriel's gestational age. I was given
the option to "terminate" the pregnancy
which for me wasn't even thinkable. I
so badly wanted this baby boy inside
me!!! My "fixer" personality just
wanted the doctors to tell me what plan
I had to follow to make everything
better. Hang me by my heels from the
ceiling if you have to I thought, just
let my baby be okay.
Since the dr's. didn't know how long my
body would continue to let the
pregnancy go without going into labor
or getting an infection, they told me
to go home and stay on bedrest and to
come back at 24 weeks when Gabe
was "viable". We were somewhat glad to
be at home with our 14 month old
daughter who we missed very much but
were a little apprehensive to be 1/2
hour drive from the hospital. Things
went fine the next day and a half with
me resting at home on the couch. I
continued to leak but thankfully stayed
infection free. Then about 11:00pm one
night while my DH and I were watching a
movie, I felt a gush come out of me.
Knowing that I couldn't have had that
much amniotic fluid in there, I was
panicked. I went to the bathroom and
found to my horror that I had soaked my
pad and my shorts with blood and was
quickly filling up the toilet with
blood and large clots. My poor husband
was beside himself and again rushed me
to the hospital, this time at about
90mph. They monitored me and told me I
would probably go into labor at any
time but over the course of the night
the bleeding stopped and I never did
have any contractions. Again, they
told us there was nothing to be done
and sent us home.
Once again, I had a good day at home on
the couch and then again that same
evening had another massive bleed.
Again, my DH rushed me to the hospital
and at that time they said I had lost
over 2 units of blood and started
giving me transfusions. At that time
my doctor said that my body was just
not handling the PPROM well. That
without the amniotic sac there to act
as a buffer, my uterus was contracting
and pulling my placenta partially away
from the uterine wall (which caused the
bleeds). They then delivered the
devastating news that they were going
to induce me since my life was at risk
and Gabriel had no chance of
surviving. I can't tell you how much I
fought them. After all, I could still
feel Gabriel moving around in me and
his hearbeat was always so strong when
they came in to monitor it. It was
with the heaviest of hearts that we
finally agreed.
The labor and delivery were so sad and
painful. I mean, when you know that
soon you will hold and cuddle your new
baby, labor is one thing. But to face
all that and know that the outcome will
be your baby's death? I continued to
bleed very heavily the whole time
losing pancake sized clots. At one
point my heartrate was 32 over 45 and
the doctors were very worried. 4 hours
after they induced me, my little
Gabriel was born. He was so perfectly
formed in every way with his dada's
long legs and cleft chin and my nose.
At 8.8oz and at 11 1/2 inches long, his
eyes were still fused shut and his skin
was so paperthin you could see every
little vein in his body. Too small and
underdeveloped for his lungs to
function, he did not even attempt to
take any breaths, but his little heart
kept beating for 10 minutes as we held
him in our arms.
How do you express the pain in your
heart at such a moment? I felt like I
couldn't breathe, couldn't speak. I
felt like someone had just stuck a
burning hot poker into my heart
creating a void so big it would never
be filled. How could my body have
failed him? The only reason that he
didn't make it was because my body
failed to be the safe place it was
meant to be to help him grow big and
strong. The hospital staff was so very
sympathetic and understanding ~ for
that I will always be grateful to
them. They let us hold him, touch him,
and rock him for the next five hours.
We took a few pictures of us holding
him close and I am so glad that I have
those as memories. The funeral service
came to pick him up that night, and
giving Gabriel to my husband to walk
down to the van with the driver - I
thought I was going to go insane. How
could I say goodbye forever to my son,
knowing I would never see him, kiss
him, or be with him again? Gabriel's
body was cremated the next day and my
dad and brother-in-law brought his
little urn to us at home along with
necklaces with little tear shaped
pendants that hold some of his ashes so
he will always be with us. We set up a
little memorial in our room with his
baby blanket from the hospital, a
little teddy bear that wore his little
blue stocking cap (twice too big for
his little head), and the angel outfit
we had planned on bringing him home
from the hospital in. Those next few
days were a blur, I don't really
remember anything except intense
sadness and grief, but basically I was
just in shock.
I returned to work about 2 weeks after
losing Gabriel, mainly to fill up my
time and gain some sense of normalacy
or control over my life. I remember
going into my daughter's room one
evening to comfort her from a bad dream
and sitting down to rock with her in
our rocking chair. All it once it hit
me that the last time I had done this
was when I had been home on bedrest...
somehow knowing that that would be the
last time I would hold both my babies
safe with me and rock them to sleep.
At that point, I was still numb. I
went about all the normal motions but
without feelings to go along with
them. Now I know that I was just in a
state of shock. Shock that things had
gone so horribly wrong. Shock that the
milestones I had planned to go through
with Gabe would now no longer take
place. Shock that I would never see my
son again or get to know the strong,
wonderful man that he was supposed to
be. Reading through some grieving
books, "Empty Cradle, Broken
Heart", "Where Is God When It Hurts?"
and others, I started to confront my
pain head on and began to release some
of the pain my heart had been storing
up. Although I still feel like I
failed my Gabriel from time to time, I
know that I couldn't have prevented his
death and that has brought me a measure
of peace.
The doctors still have no idea what
caused my PPROM. Personally I believe
that I might have had BV earlier in the
pregnancy which caused the weakness in
my amniotic sac, but by the time it
actually caused me to rupture my body
had already flushed it out of my system
causing me to test negative for any
infection at the hospital. My husband
and I are not sure whether we have it
in us to try again, to willingly put
ourselves out there to possibly
experience that kind of pain and loss
again. As a woman, I think part of me
wishes to be pregnant again and to
finish a process that was so brutally
interrupted. Being able to hold and
love another miracle would be healing
in its own way for me. I guess we will
have to wait and see if that is in
God's plan for us.
If you are currently in a PROM
situation... hang in there. Each
situation is so different from the next
that you could hold out to 26 or 28 or
32 weeks and have a wonderful outcome.
If you have experienced a loss of your
own angel... my heart goes out to you
and if you ever need to talk about it,
email me at holly.norman@qwest.com or
call me on my cell at (720) 280-1907.
Sometimes just knowing that you are not
alone and that someone else is going
through this with you makes all the
difference in the world... I know it
did for me!
If you are thinking about PAP
(pregnancy after PROM), make sure you
find a wonderful and understanding
doctor who will be with you every step
of the way, monitoring you and taking
every precaution possible to make sure
you have a successful FT pregnancy.
Ask about vaginal U/S monitoring of
your cervix (in case you have IC and
have funneling), ask to be screened for
infection regularly (which if detected
can be treated with antibiotics), and
be your own best advocate to get all
the facts and make sure your doctor
takes it as seriously as you do. Best
wishes and may God be with us all.
|
|
