I'm 29, married to my high school
sweetheart, with 1 daughter who is 20
months. I had my PPROM on December
6,2003 @ 6:30pm, and my miscarriage on
December 13,2003 @ 6:35pm.
While in the restroom at work the day of
my PPROM I could have sworn I lost my
mucus plug, but that was impossible, it
was way too early, I was only 19 weeks
pregnant. I felt fine all day and
continued to work. After work, still
feeling great my friend and I did a
little Christmas shopping for our girls
then headed home. At home I began to
show my husband our daughter's Christmas
pictures I had just picked up, when all
of a sudden I began to feel a lot of
pressure. I expressed my concern to him
and we both shared the same puzzled
look. I thought maybe I needed to go to
the restroom, perhaps the baby was
sitting funny, and I just needed to go
potty. Once in the restroom I began to
feel the pressure again but even
stronger. I felt as if I needed to push
(of course I didn't push), and actually
began to feel something coming out. I
reached down and felt something bulging
(I thought it might have been the baby)!
All of a sudden there was a gush of
water everywhere. I knew exactly what
it was since my water had broke with my
1st pregnancy too at 38 weeks ( I gave
birth to a beautiful baby girl with an
amazing head of hair ). I screamed for
my husband, and he rushed me to the ER.
Once in the hospital they confirmed it
was my water and checked to see if I was
dialated. I later found out that since
I wasn't feeling any pain, discomfort,
or contractions, they shouldn't have
done a pelvic since it could possibly
introduce bacteria. A few hours later
they transferred me by ambulance to the
hospital I was supposed to deliver at
with a NICU. The ultrasound showed that
I had almost no fluid and the admitting
Doctor explained to us what our options
were. We decided to expectantly manage
the situation and pray for the best.
Two days later my AFI went from a 2.5 up
to a 3.7! My Doctor told me if I could
get above a 5 I could go home and be on
bed rest. Another 2 days later it
dropped to a 2.3! As you can imagine I
was devastated, and cried all day long.
I just knew something was wrong. That
night I my nurse asked me if I had
faith. I told her yes, and she said
keep praying... Miracles do happen, but
don't pray for what you want, pray for
what God wants, and remember that he has
a way of taking his Angels back. That
night for the first time in a week I
prayed for Gods Will to be done, instead
of what I wanted. The next day at 20
weeks, He took her.
I felt some mild cramping just before
dinner, and had felt some pressure
throughout the day, along with loosing a
lot of clear watery mucus. I told my
nurse, and the On Call Doctor, but they
didn't seem to be concerned. After
dinner I got up to use the restroom and
felt what I thought was a clot coming
out. I reached down with some toilet
paper to wipe, but it was still coming.
I pushed the call button next to the
toilet and the lady who took my blood
pressure came in to check on me. She
took a look and told me to stay put, I
still had no idea at this point that it
was the baby. What seemed like the
entire Labor and Delivery floor came
running to my restroom. One of the
nurses informed me that I was delivering
my baby and they put me back in my bed.
The baby had already passed away and was
coming out breach. I was able to
deliver her body, but then my cervix
closed back up around her head. They
called the Doctor and transferred me
into a L&D room to finish delivering her
and the placenta. The baby came without
a problem but the placenta would not
deliver. Since I had just eaten they
were concerned about doing a D&C,
because I would have to be put to sleep.
They gave me somethig to relax me in
hopes that the placenta would relax too
and deliver. In the mean time my
Husband and daughter showed up, and all
I could do was cry and tell him I was
sorry. He began to cry too and just
held me. The nurses took our daughter
to their station, so we could have a few
minutes with the baby. We did choose to
see her and hold her, and we named her
Paige. She looked perfect, just very
tiny. She weighed 9.6oz (just over 1/2
a lb.), and was 10in. long. She had
such sweet tiny features with ten ity
bity fingers and ten tiny winy toes.
The nurses put together a memory package
for us which included a booklet on
grieving, two blank hospital bracelets
(mine & the baby's), pictures of the
baby, and a certificate with her stats
and hand and feet prints. After a few
moments with Paige I had to go into
surgery for a D&C since my placenta
would not deliver. My husband stayed
with the baby and waited for a Priest to
come and give her a Blessing. I don't
know exaclty what makes the difference
between a stillbirth and a miscarriage,
but we were told that I had a
miscarriage. We did not have to have a
death certificate, and it was up to us
if we wanted to have a service for
Paige. With it being so hard on
everyone already we decided to let the
hospital take care of everything. But
before we did it was very important to
know what they do with her remains. We
were told that she would be buried in a
non marked area with other babies who
didn't make it. For us it seemed
appropriate that she be with the other
little Angels who didn't get to go home
with their families.
A few weeks have passed, and each day is
a healing process. I am so thankful
that I had my other daughter to come
home to, she keeps me busy. We are very
grateful to have such loving and
prayerful friends and family. We were
also appreciative of the nurses to put
together out memory package. When we
came home we bought a beautiful wooded
box and had a plaque engraved for
Paige's things. We will probably never
know why this happened, and I pray that
in the future that all of us can have
healthy full term pregnancies with
healthy babies. I know that there is
nothing anyone can say to make the pain
go away, but I did find some comfort in
something a friend told me. She said
don't let the things that people say
like "You can have another baby" or "It
was God's will" bother you. They don't
mean any harm by it. Another baby will
not replace the one you lost, but
perhaps you can find happiness in the
child/children you already have or one
day God willing you will rejoice in the
birth of another child. Death is not
the will of God. He too knows what it
is to lose a child. He gave is his only
son for you and me, and he feels your
pain. Finally, remember that your
precious baby was not the least bit
surprised to wake up in the arms of
Jesus. They are in the presence of
peace and joy that we will only know
when we join them. They do not have the
constraints of time with Him and so it
will be as tomorrow. Sadly, it is those
of us on earth who feel the sadness of
the days that pass so slowly.
Concentrate on the good things in your
life and before you realize it things
will be made smooth for you again.
I will keep you and your families in my
prayers.
Good Bless,
Shea
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