IT HAS TAKEN ME A WHILE TO WRITE MY
PROM STORY. I WORRY BECAUSE I DON'T
WANT ZOE'S STORY TO DICOURAGE ANYONE
IN TRYING THEIR HARDEST FOR THEIR
BABY. OUR BABY DID NOT MAKE IT WITH
ALL OUR BEST EFFORTS, BUT IT WAS WORTH
EVERY MOMENT OF TRYING.
I HAD A HIGH RISK PREGNANCY TO BEGIN
WITH WITH AMA(ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE),
IC (INCOMPETANT CERVIX W/ CERCLAGE),
AND A BLOOD DISORDER THAT I WAS ON A
BLOOD THINNER FOR. DURING MY FIRST
TRIMESTER I HAD SLIGHT BLEEDING FROM
THE EDGE OF MY PLACENTA FOR 4 WEEKS.
THE NEXT 4 WEEKS WENT GREAT AND I
FINIALLY STARTED TO RELAX. I HAVE
THREE OLDER CHILDREN AND WHEN WE
STARTED TRYING FOR OUR 4TH (AND
SUPPOSELY OUR LAST) WE HAD TWO
MISCARRAIGES PRIOR TO OUR PROM. WE HAD
A GREAT 16 WEEK ULTRASOUND WITH NO
ABNORMAL MARKERS. WE CAME BACK
SLIGHTLY OVER A WEEK LATER AND
DISCOVERED OUR PROM. I HAD NO FLUID TO
MEASURE. MY DR. DID NOT GIVE US THE
BLEAK PICTURE YET AS HE KNEW MOST
LIKELY WE WOULD MISCARRY ON OUR OWN.
HE SENT ME HOME ON BEDREST AND TO WAIT
TO SEE WHAT THE NEXT WEEK WOULD BRING.
I CAME HOME AND DID MY RESEARCH FOR
THE NEXT 2 HOURS. I WAS SHOCKED AT HOW
BAD THINGS SOUNDED. I LAYED ON MY LEFT
SIDE AND DRANK AS MUCH AS I COULD.
ALTHOUGH I DID NOT FEEL ANY LEAKING,
WHEN I RETURNED IN A WEEK I STILL HAD
NO FLUID. THEN MY DR. INFORMED US OF
THE WHOLE STORY. HE WAS VERY HONEST
BUT MORE HOPEFUL THAN WE PLANNED. MY
BIGGEST SUGGESTION IS TO SEARCH OUT A
DR. WHO IS HOPEFUL NO MATTER WHAT.
THIS IS THE MOST IMPROTANT THING. MY
DR. HAD SEEN IT WORK WELL BEFORE SO HE
WAS VERY POSITIVE WHILE HE HAD TO BE
HONEST ABOUT THE OUTCOMES. IN THE END
I THINK HE HURT FOR US AS MUCH AS WE
DID. WE WENT HOME ON COMPLETE BEDREST
KNOWING OUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE WAS
ALREADY KNOWN BY GOD AND WE JUST HAD
TO REMAIN FAITHFUL TO DO WHAT WE
COULD. I STAYED ON COMPLETE BEDREST
FOR 13 WEEKS, FIRST 6 AT HOME AND THE
LAST 7 IN THE HOSPITAL. THINGS WENT
VERY CALM WITH NO INFECTIONS EVER. DUE
TO MY NON-ACTIVITY AND MY AGE I
DEVELOPED SLIGHT GESTATIONAL DIABETES.
THEN AT WEEK 29 WE DISCOVERED HER
GROWTH WAS SLOWING DOWN AND SHE WAS
NOW CONSIDERED INTERUTERINE GROWTH
RESTRICTED. WE GAVE HER A CONTRACTION
STRESS TEST AFTER WE STARTED HAVING
DIFFICULTY WITH SOME MINOR
CONTRACTIONS BUT SHE PASSED SO WE DID
NOT INDUCE LABOR YET. THAT NIGHT MY
PLACENTA PARTIALLY ABRUPTED AND I WAS
RUSHED DOWN TO LABOR AND DELIVERY. MY
BLEEDING SLOWED AND SHE REMAINED
STABLE SO THEY COULD GET ME SOME MORE
DAYS FOR HER. I HAD ALREADY RECEIVED
STEROIDS TWICE BUT THEY STARTED A
THIRD ROUND TO HELP. I STAYED IN LABOR
HALL ON CONSTANT MONITORING AFTER
THAT. I LOVED LISTENING TO ZOE'S
HEARTBEAT. MY CHILDREN NAMED HER ZOE
BECAUSE IT IS A GREEK WORD
MEANING "LIFE". WE KNEW THAT THE ONLY
THING WE COULD OFFER OUR SWEET GIRL
FOR SURE WAS LIFE...WE JUST WEREN'T
SURE IF IT WOULD BE LIFE WITH US OR
LIFE WITH JESUS. ON THE MORNING OF
SEPTEMBER 11, 2003 MY DR. SAID SHE WAS
UNSTABLE ENOUGH THAT OUR TIME WAS UP.
WE HAD A C-SECTION RIGHT AWAY. I WAS
SO SCARED OF THOSE FIRST MOMENTS TO
FIND OUT IF SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE IT.
AS MY DR. LIFTED HER OUT OF ME HE
EXCLAIMED "SHE'S NOT EVEN SQUISHED!"
IT TOOK HER A SECOND TO BREATH AFTER
SHE WAS SUCTIONED BUT SHE WAS
BREATHING ON HER OWN. HER APGAR WAS AN
8. SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. WE ALL
CELEBRATED. I THINK EVERYONE MY DR.
RAN INTO THAT DAY HEARD ABOUT OUR GIRL
AND TOLD THEM SHE IS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T
GIVE UP. SHE LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL.
EVERYONE IN THE NICU COULDN'T BELIEVE
HOW GREAT SHE WAS BECAUSE THEY HAD
BEEN WAITING FOR HER AND WERE TOLD SHE
WOULD BE VERY SICK. THOSE TWO DAYS
WERE SO GREAT. I NEVER WORRIED ABOUT
MY OTHER CHILDREN AS THEY WERE BORN
LIKE I DID WITH ZOE THERFORE I NEVER
FELT SO RELIEVED EITHER. THEIR BIRTHS
WERE JUST A JOY...BUT NOW WE KNEW THE
WHOLE STORY OF HOW CLOSE LIFE IS TO
DEATH. WE BEIEVED WE WERE GIVEN LIFE.
FOR SOME REASON, SHORTLY AFTER
MIDNIGHT, 44 HOURS LATER, ZOE STOPPED
OXYGENATING WELL. THEY TRIED
EVERYTHING TO HELP. THEY WERE ALL
SHOCKED. IT WAS LIKE HER LUNGS, WHICH
DID END UP BEING SLIGHTLY RIGID, HAD
HAD ENOUGH. WE WERE CALLED IN AFTER
THEY TRIED THINGS FOR 3 HOURS. I WISH
THEY HAD CALLED SOONER. ONE OF MY
BIGGEST REGRETS IS THAT SHE WAS ALONE
THEN. WE DID GET TO HOLD HER WHILE SHE
WAS ALIVE. WE WERE ABLE TO BRING OUR
PASTOR AND MY OTHER CHILDREN IN TO SEE
HER TOO. BUT SOMEWHERE AROUND 5:30 AM
SHE TOOK HER LAST BREATHS IN MY ARMS.
I DO FEEL LIKE PART OF ME DIED WHEN
SHE DID. I THINK THAT'S HOW IT IS FOR
US MOTHERS AND FATHERS. IT FELT LIKE I
HANDED HER RIGHT OVER TO GOD, HIS
PRESENCE WAS SO THICK. I AM THANKFUL
WE WERE THERE THEN.
I AM LEARNING HOW TO BE THE NEW ME.
THERE ARE THINGS I'VE LEARNED THROUGH
THIS THAT I WOULD NOT HAVE WANTED TO
MISS, BUT THIS TIME THE COST WAS WAY
TOO HIGH TO GAIN SUCH LESSONS. MY
SECOND DAUGHTER HAD SURVIVED CANCER
WHEN SHE WAS 8 YRS. OLD SO I AM NOT
NEW TO LESSONS. STILL I HAVE ASKED
WHY. I KNOW GOD IS UP THERE, AND I
BELIEVE HE CRIED FOR ZOE LONG BEFORE I
DID...I KNOW THAT SOME BABIES MAKE IT
AND SOME DON'T, JUST AS SOME KIDS
SURVIVE CANCER AND SOME DON'T. IN THE
DARK DAYS FOLLOWING ZOE'S DEATH I HAD
TO RELY ON BIBLICAL PROMISES WHEN MY
OWN VISION WAS BLURRED WITH TEARS. ONE
OF THE THINGS I AM SURE OF IS THAT
ONLY GOD CAN KNOW WHEN WE ARE
CONCEIVED AND WHEN WE DIE. I COULD
NEVER HAVE CHOSEN TO END MY PREGNANCY
EVEN IF I HAD KNOW THE OUTCOME. I MAY
BE SAD AS THESE HOLIDAYS ARE
APPROACHING, BUT I DO REST IN THE
KNOWLEDGE THAT I DID ALL I COULD DO
FOR ZOE.
PLEASE DON'T LOSE HOPE, AND SURROUND
YOURSELF WITH OTHERS WHO ARE WILLING
TO HOPE WITH YOU. IT IS FAR BETTER TO
LIVE IN HOPE THAN TO FEAR DEATH.
ALTHOUGH THIS WORLD SOMETIMES ONLY
DELIVERS PAIN, REMEMBER GOD IS THE
GIVER OF LIFE...AND THAT HE IS CRYING
WITH YOU AT MOMENTS LIKE THESE...
LAURA
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