After having my second child (first
two were both overdue and healthy), I
suffered from Asherman's syndrome -
meaning my uterus was scarred. I went
through two surgeries wondering if I
would ever get pregnant again.
Then, in August, I found out I was
pregnant. This was a true "volunteer"
baby, as I had been out of town and
seen my husband only one weekend the
prior month, at a time I should not
have been ovulating.
I experienced spotting in the first
trimester, but had with all my
pregnancies. Then, at 13 weeks, I was
in a terrible accident and my back
caught fire. I was on all kinds of
pain killers, which scared me, but all
ultrasounds showed baby doing fine.
We found out we were having another
girl on November 27. Little did I
know I would deliver her one short
month later.
My water broke on December 21st. I
thought I had felt a bulge two days
earlier, but couldn't find any
information about what it would be
from my maternity books, and decided I
just hadn't noticed this with my first
two children. I regret not having
called the doctor then.
After convincing the doctor it truly
was my water, not pee, I went to Labor
and Delivery. He confirmed that I was
a PROM Queen. I thought it was over.
I thought I would be forced into labor
and knew she was not yet viable.
Thankfully, he gave me some hope, but
braced me for the bad possibility.
I spent the next 4 days in the
hospital with my legs above my head
hoping that it would turn into 14
weeks. The perinatologist brought me
the same bad news, but there was still
some hope.
On Christmas morning, they couldn't
find her heart beat. I was not even
scared at all because she had been
stubborn before, but the doctor came
in with the ultrasound and gave me the
awful news. Ainslee had died.
In an awful way, I was prepared for
her death, but I was not prepared for
stillbirth. I thought I would at
least be able to hold her while she
died. The doctors had told me my
biggest enemies were infection and
labor, never did they say that she
might die while inside of me.
It turns out labor was not likely to
have happened. It took 2 1/2 days for
me to deliver her tiny 12 ounce body.
I kept expecting them to do a C-
section, but each time I asked my dr.
said this was going to work. No one
braced me for the possibility that
they wouldn't do a C-section, rather
if they couldn't get her out in-tact
they would do a D&E. I delivered all
but her head and the dr. said "I'll be
back in a little while", no other
explanation. I could not believe that
women in the year 2002 have to undergo
such excrutiatingly difficult
emotional and physical pain with our
standard of technology. The nurse
explained that if the dr. didn't wait,
she would either tear my cervix or
have to "hurt the baby". I had
survived the past two days knowing I
would get to hold and see Ainslee, but
no one had warned me that that might
not happen. Thankfully it did. She
was long like my first, and had huge
lips like my second. I knew holding
that tiny fragile body that her death
was meant to be.
The placenta didn't deliver, so I was
rushed for a D&C. I was told I needed
a blood transfusion, but I felt like I
was the "one" in the risk factors
rather than the "200,000", and
declined. This has made for a
difficult physical recovery, as well
as emotional.
I am frustrated at the lack of
information about PROM by my drs. I
fear there may be something they could
do for my next pregnancy, but that
their lack of knowledge will lead to
this again.
I am suffering at the loss of my baby
and my dreams for our family. I am
anxious to feel life inside me again,
while also scared of this happening
again. I pray for another joyous
hospital birth, but if not, I comfort
myself knowing that Ainslee is with
her Heavenly Father and I will see her
again.
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