I buried my 21 week old son James
Douglas, on Saturday February 16th,2002.
I did not want him to always be alone,
so I purchased my own place to be
buried. We will share a family plot so
that the family will always be together.
He was born and died on February 13th
(Ash Wednesday)
I have had a sub chorionic bleed for 9
weeks and could not hold on any longer.
My doctors advised me to have a second
trimester abortion because the blood
loss would be minimal. For moral
reasons, I could not do it, so instead
I induced my labor.
I was bleeding out very quickly ,the
abruption was getting larger as the baby
grew.
I was leaking amniotic fluid, but I was
bleeding so much that they could not
test me for the amniotic leak.
In one day the fluid measured 9 and the
next 5. Indeed I
had a leak,but
because of the blood it could only be
verified with
ultrasound.
My placenta could not keep up with
his growth. My hematocrit went from 35
to 26 in one day and then down to 21. I
was told at 18 my vital organs would
shut down and I had a very good chance
of dying as well. They were upset when I
chose to deliver him because of the
amount of blood I would loose. If he was
going to die, I needed to hold him and
let him know how much he was loved. I
received two blood transfusions and then
induced.
My some miracle I delivered him intact
in his amniotic sac and the placenta
came at the same time. I did not loose
that much blood after all.
You see even though I wanted him to
survive so badly, I have five other
children who would have been devastated
to loose the both of us.
We both recieved last rights during
labor and he
was baptised ten minutes after birth.
James was only 15.4 oz, 10 3/4 inches.
My little man lived for a little over an
hour. The doctors were very surprised. I
chose to hold him for the whole time .
In that brief hour he gave me a lifetime
of joy. He did not suffer and was at
peace in my arms. My sadness comes now
after it is all over.
I know that he knows I tried to hang on
for as long as I could. I as his mother
feel that it was my job to keep him safe
and protect him from everything. I am so
sorry that my body could not sustain his
life. For this I am deeply saddend.
Thankfully I have five other children
who keep that smile on my face,but
inside my heart a little piece of me
died along with my son that day.
I know that I will see him in heaven
some day and that comforts me for now. I
also have a strong desire to get
pregnant again,I am not sure if I will
try again as I have had four
misscarriages and now the death of Sweet
Baby James.
My thoughts are with all who have shared
the grief and loss of a loved one.
God Bless us everyone.
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