Our loss occurred on July 31, 2001.
I've waited several months to tell my
story because it's just been too
painful. (It's a little long, so I
apologize ahead of time!)
My husband and I had been trying to
conceive for almost four years when we
learned that we were pregnant. We had
been undergoing fertility treatments for
quite some time and decided to take the
summer off. One month later, we were
pregnant - on our own! We were shocked,
dismayed and overjoyed!! I was watched
like a hawk from the very beginning by
our infertility doctor and given
progesterone supplements early on, since
my progesterone appeared to be a bit
low. They were taking every precaution.
I had a little bleeding in the first
two months of pregnancy and the doctors
warned us to be "cautiously optimistic".
I monitored my physical changes with
great intensity and compensated for any
little change, watched for any potential
problem and took it easy as much as
possible. We had many successful
ultrasounds and as the months progressed
with no bleeding, we were hopeful and
started to allow ourselves to get
excited that the pregnancy may actually
go to full term.
For several weeks, I had a cold that
would not go away (no fever). I saw my
doctor and he said that it will just run
its course and that everything was
progressing nicely. Early in my 19th
week, I started having a thicker
discharge. I didn't think much of it,
and the books I was reading said that it
was normal, but decided to stay in bed
since I was feeling a bit under the
weather. The next day, I had the same
discharge, although not as frequent, but
this time with a very slight bit of
blood. I decided to get some rest and
call the doctor the next day and not
take any chances. I awoke early the
next morning with back pain that would
come and go as I changed position. I
attributed it to being in bed for the
past two days and waited to call the
doctor's office. At around 11:00 a.m.,
my water broke. I knew immediately what
had happened and knew that the outcome
could not be good at such an early
stage. I immediately called the
doctor's office and talked to a nurse.
I tried to remain calm. I explained the
situation and asked if I should go to
the emergency room. She asked if I was
having contractions. I told her that
since it was my first pregnancy, I
wasn't sure what contractions felt like,
but that I only had pain from time to
time in my lower back. She said that if
I wasn't having frontal
contractions/pain that I probably wasn't
in labor (WRONG!), eventhough it had
appeared that my water broke. She set
up an appointment for me to come into
the doctor's office in two hours,
eventhough every instinct told me to get
to the emergency room.
At the doctor's office, they made me
wait for at least 1/2 hour before seeing
me. By this time, the pain in my back
was intensifying. My husband demanded
they put me in a room. My doctor was
not in the office and I saw another
doctor on duty. He did an ultrasound
and confirmed our worst fears...the baby
was doing fine, fully formed, heart
beating strongly, but I had lost most of
my fluid. He noted that my cervix was
still completely closed and started to
give us our options (bed rest to see if
the fluid would replenish or D&E to end
the pregnancy). Being an infertility
couple, it was extremely difficult for
us to make the decision. The doctor
said that if it were his wife, and based
upon the timing (19 weeks) and past
outcomes he's experienced, he suggested
the D&E - especially where my health was
concerned and for future pregnancies.
Although, since the hospital he was
affilitated with was a religous
hospital, they would not perform a D&E
since the baby was still alive and he
would have to refer me to another
hospital. The pain was getting
unbearable and so we reluctantly decided
to have the D&E and he began making
arrangements. When he returned 5
minutes later, I had gone into full
labor. The doctor did an exam and was
shocked to find that I was fully dilated
and the baby was presenting itself. He
immediately called an ambulance and had
me rushed to the hospital five minutes
away. Within minutes of arriving at the
hospital, I had our beautiful son, 7 oz.
8 inches long. He was pronouced dead on
arrival. The time of death was 2:45
p.m. July 31, 2001. The doctor said he
had never seen anything like it
before...everything happened so quickly.
Through our shock and despair, my
husband and I were grateful that the
decision was ultimately made for us, but
it did not ease our pain.
From taking my blood upon arrival, the
hospital discovered that my white blood
cell count was triple its normal amount,
indicating infection. I also spiked a
high fever 12 hours after delivering
that lasted three days and required
heavy antibiotics and hosipal stay. Due
to these factors, the doctors believe
the cause may have been infection, but
we will never truly know. Autopsy
results show that the baby was perfectly
healthy. I do have to say, that the
doctor and the hospital staff were
wonderful, caring and compassionate
through the entire ordeal.
It's now three and 1/2 months later and
my heart still aches terribly. Had it
not been for the love and support of our
family and friends, I don't think we
would have made it through emotionally.
It's still a struggle every day, some
worse than others. We are talking about
trying again, but I am so fearful it
will happen again. Whatever happens, I
am so grateful just for the opportunity
to have been pregnant and feel a life
growing inside of me. We will always
have our beautiful guardian angel
watching over us. I miss him so.
Thanks for letting me share my (long!)
story. Reading the other stories brings
me comfort...I know I am not alone.
Thank you for sharing your stories. My
prayers are with you all.
Lisa
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