We lost our son at 6:15 a.m. July 21,
2001 after PROM. I woke up at 1:30
a.m. Friday morning because something
didn't feel right. When I went to the
bathroom I felt the gush of water and
knew my membranes had ruptured. We
called the ambulance immediately. By
7:00 a.m. Friday morning I was given a
sonogram and told I had lost 90% of my
ambiodic fluid but that the baby
appeared normal and alive which didn't
mean a hill of beans considering it
would not survive or continue to
develop without the fluid (My doctor
and hospital staff were great EXCEPT on
this point). My husband and I were
counseled on the possibilities of this
situation. My take was it was pretty
much hopeless and we should just wait
for the labor to begin, but once again
as the luck of my whole pregnancy went
it never started. So then we had to
decide whether to wait until our baby
died inside me and induce or just
induce because it was hopeless (GREAT
options) I hate my life. My temp
started spiking and that was a God sent
decision maker...we had to induce not
only for my health (which I didn't
really care about), but for the health
of my uterus (because temp means
infection and infection means potential
scaring of the uterus lining which
could further complicate future
pregnancy). I was induced and after a
slow labor finally delivered our son.
He was so perfect..arms, legs, fingers
and toes. I know everyone tells you
not to blame yourself, but when you see
that your baby was fine and normal and
even after your water breaks you see it
continue to hold on to life, who's left
in the relationship to blame? I failed
him. I didn't do it intentinally or
want to hurt myself now for it, but a
fact is a fact and I am so mad at my
body for letting him down. I'm sorry
Cal.
I had a perfect pregnancy with our
daughter expect I had PROM with her at
34 wks. She came through it
wonderfully. I had spotting with Cal
during my first trimester not a lot,
but it was there; had constant yeast
(or what I thought were) infections and
two days before the 20th I had an
accute gastrointestinal attack that had
me literally in tears. I couldn't
release any gas for 24hrs. but I had
bowel movements. The doctor doesn't
think it is related. I want to finish
by saying I'm a Capricorn and I tell my
story very factually, but I am
devistated right now about losing our
son. I felt that if I could delay labor
it was another minute he could live and
I could still "hold" him in some sense.
I had a bunch of complications after
this birth but I just didn't give a
damn about me. I let him down and let
him go and that is just how I feel
about it even after reading all the
grief info. I'm sorry Cal. I am so
sorry for each of your loses and you're
in my thoughts.
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