This is my story of my sons birth and
death.
I had been having a lot of problems
through my pregnancy. It started when I
was about 1 month along. I started
bleeding and at first the bleeding only
lasted a day, but by the time I reached
2 1/2 months I was bleeding everyday
and it didn't stop. The doctor said
that I had an irritated cervix and that
the bleeding had nothing to do with the
baby. So that is what I believed and
tried not to worry about it like the
doc said. But then at about 18 weeks my
water broke. I went in to see my doctor
and she confirmed it was my water that
broke and she recomended that I go to
see a specialist and have a level 2
ultrasound. There they told me that
there was little to no liquid around
the baby and they told me of all the
problems this could cause- my heart
sank. I thought that would be the worst
that could happen boy was I wrong.
Anyway at 20 weeks I started having BAD
pains. I went to 2 hospitals by
ambulance and at the second we lost our
son, Tristan. I wasn't able to look at
him cuz I was too scared of what he
would look like I guess. My husband had
him brought into another room so he
could see him and tell him goodbye and
I couldn't and it hurts a lot. I should
have been able to hold my own child.
And to tell him I love him and that
I'll never forget him but I couldn't. I
guess I'm having a very hard time with
our loss, I can't go a day without
crying. It's only been 6 weeks, but it
still hurts like it was yesterday. I
have to be strong for my husband and
our 2 year old daughter, but some days
it is so hard to do the things I have
to do. I have a lot of guilty feelings
and I know this is normal but I don't
know how to get over these things.
Maybe I never will. Is it wrong for me
to think that? I feel like there are a
lot of people who don't understand why
I am still hurting so badly. If I start
crying they look at me like I should
not be doing that and I don't
understand where they are coming from,
cuz it is not something that I will
ever get over and if I need to cry, I
cry. Am I not supposed to cry in front
of anyone anymore, should I go into
another room to do that? Anyway thank
you for listening to me babble.
sunken heart
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