Well, Lam will be 6 months old
tomorrow. During my PROM pregnancy, I
was writing many posts/day to the
group, some of the absolute greatest
ladies in the world, but then after the
delivery I was so busy I lost touch. I
decided to wait to post so I could tell
you how he is developing, not just how
he seemed just after delivery.
It seems my body was not made to create
life. I could not conceive. I had
blocked tubes and surgery to remove a
septum from my uterus. My husband and I
tried unsuccessfully at IVF twice.
Finally on the 3rd try we conceived
twins - a girl and a boy. It took
several weeks to actually believe I was
pregnant, because we had gotten our
hopes up on previous IVF's only to
have them crushed. But we did name them
immediately: my angelic daughter would
be Katie, and my husband would have a
"Jr.". For a couple weeks we allowed
ourselves to feel joy and hope of
having a perfect, instant family. But
Lam lived and Katie died.
I bled the entire pregnancy. Failing
IVF's were like very early
miscarriages, for me anyway. So I was
afraid to get my hopes up. After the
first trimester, at 16 weeks when most
pregnancies make it, we wallpapered the
kids' room. The next day I gushed
blood. The intern told me I had
placenta abruption and very low
amniotic fluid around the babies, and
there were three possible outcomes: the
babies would die immediately, they
would live to delivery and die at birth
because they couldn't breathe, or they
would be delivered but not be healthy.
I put myself on bedrest at home. A few
weeks passed and I had ultrasounds
where Katie always had very little
fluid (AFP 1) and Lam had a little more
(AFP 3). Other doctors said there was
another possible, but highly improbable
outcome: that they would make it.
We shopped for a minivan. The only
positive thing towards the pregnancy
since the wallpapering. I kid you not,
that night Katie's water broke. I was
20 weeks. I went to the hospital and
was told the chances of taking home a
baby was not good, but "not 0". The
hospital with a Level III NICU only
took patients at 24 weeks, when they
believe they are "viable". It took a
lot of fighting and one good doctor to
let me stay at the this hospital on
complete bedrest until I could get to
24 weeks. Most of the doctors thought I
should go home to miscarry.
The next week, at 21 weeks, after a
week of complete hospital bedrest,
Lam's water broke. Neither I nor any
doctor I came across had heard of both
twins' waters breaking.
I stopped referring to them as Katie
and Lam, and called them "the girl"
and "the boy", I mean no one expected
them to live, so why should I get
attached to them? Then I came across
this great site and learned a lot. I
prepared myself with a camera to take
pictures of my dying or dead babies,
loved them while they were inside of
me, and tried to have hope. Eventually
I did have hope. I was always scared,
but did have hope. And I started
calling them by name again.
Water came out constantly (2 babies
peeing you know), and the AFP's stayed
at < 1. I went to L&D a few times, had
a few bleeding scares, and a couple
"sterile speculums" :) Heck I was in
the hospital for 3 months.
They'd check me for infection, run
tests, evaluate the daily monitors, and
every day the doctor would tell me I'd
deliver any day now. A doctor from the
NICU asked me how long I wanted my
babies to "suffer" in the NICU before
letting them die. FINALLY, at 27 weeks,
after almost 2 months of this, a doctor
said he had hope for 27-weekers and one
might live. But he still said I'd
deliver any day.
At about 30 weeks they worked on a
delivery plan of inducing me at 34
weeks. I knew I had to make it to 32
weeks, because I believed that's when
there's a good chance that, if the
lungs are OK, that they will not have
other serious problems. Of course I
knew that weeks 19-23 are the critical
ones for lung development via the
amniotic fluid, so there was a good
chance that no matter when I delivered
they'd die at birth because they
couldn't breathe. I prommed at 20/21
weeks, but also had very low fluid
since week 16 from the placenta
abruption(s).
When I hit 32 weeks I went into 12
hours of labor, which didn't show up
on the monitors as labor, but had me
crying for 12 hours. Finally they
tested my blood and I had an infection,
so they did an emergency c-section.
Scary, scary, scary, but at least it
would be over soon.
I listened to soothing music, because I
didn't want to be hysterical. I knew
in a few minutes I would have 0, 1, or
2 (highly unlikely) babies. They pulled
out Lam, I heard baby noises and they
let my husband see him. They did not
even tell us when they pulled out
Katie, they just started sewing me up.
A few minutes later they said both
babies were "pink", which they did
not expect. I was in shock. I should
have known, though, because shortly
thereafter they said Katie had
pulmonary hypoplasia and would not make
it, and they would bring her to us for
her last moments.
My angel was tiny, 2 lbs 12 oz,
beautiful, and fragile. She looked
perfect and healthy to me, I didn't
understand why she was dying. We had a
hand pump to help her breathe. It was
so sad and unbelievable. I couldn't
sit up from my c-section, so they just
laid her on me. We took our pictures.
When they brought her to us, her cheeks
were warm. When she left us they were
cold. I had spent months where my only
job was to protect my babies, and now
she was dying. For weeks after she
died, I still wanted to protect her.
Lam weighed 3 lbs 13 oz, went to the
NICU, and we saw him that night. We
were very scared, not knowing if he
would make it. He was ventilated for 5
days and was on oxygen his entire NICU
stay (6.5 weeks). He had some PH. We
finally brought him home a week before
Christmas.
We were still scared. We had one baby
die in our arms. Where were the
monitors? I was afraid to look away for
an instant for fear he would stop
breathing. But somehow he grew fine and
healthy, in fact many people were
saying he was fat! I take that as a
compliment ;)
So now he's 1/2 year old. He seems to
be a completely normal, healthy, happy
baby. His 4-month (corrected age)
developmental evaluation indicates his
strong suit is problem solving. He's
also doing well in communication, fine
motor, and personal-social. His biggest
challenge is gross motor - pushing up
on his tummy and holding his head up at
90 degrees. He does have mild
torticollis (head tilts to one side,
from position in utero, but will
probably be fine) and a large head ;)
But he's making progress on tummy time
and holding his head up almost daily it
seems. The doctors say his lungs may be
fine, or he could have asthma or some
other breathing problem that may show
up later - too early to tell.
He's very interested in his
surroundings, enjoys stroller walks and
Gymboree. He grabs toys and puts them
in his mouth. He talks a LOT. He coos
and smiles and kicks and flails his
arms like a fish out of water while he
laughs out loud. He smiles easily.
He's absolutely beautiful. We are so
incredibly lucky to have him in our
lives! I get to spend all day and night
with him. I've seen all his firsts -
sucking his thumb, putting the pacifier
back into his mouth, rolling onto his
side, pushing up on his arms. His first
laughing out loud - early on I always
smiled at him. One time I was smiling,
and he knitted his eyebrows. I imitated
him exaggerated. It took him off guard
and he thought it was a riot.
He's 16 lbs and 24". He's been
sleeping 10 hours/night for 2 months
now! He went through a period for a
month after he came home from the
hospital where he cried a lot and our
inexperience as parents really showed
itself. But now he's a very happy
baby. He doesn't cry much and we're
able to anticipate his needs.
He picked his first flower for me!
Daddy held him up to an azalea bush and
he picked a pink blossom. Then they
found me, I put my hand under Lam's,
he opened his hand, and the blossom
fell into my hand! It was incredibly
sweet!!!
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